wickedmouth.com

Hey Kids, remember when I butchered the classic Filipino movie Bituing Walang Ningning? Me neither. Pero minsan nababagabag talaga ako sa mga ideas ko tungkol sa pelikulang ito, to the point na hindi na ako maka-function. I have conspiracy theories and parallel universes and alternate realities and such kaya sa utak ko, iba na ang kwento ng Bituing Walang Ningning. You wouldn't believe what I think about during my free time.

So eto ngayon, bababuyin ko na naman siya. Naaalala nyo nung sinabi ko na si Sharon Cuneta talaga ang kontrabida sa pelikula? Well, now I have proof.

Putting my salaula skills to use, here's a "trailer" for a whole new version of the film, something you've never seen before! (exajj lang)

Sorry na, Miss Sharon Cuneta. Hindi ko rin alam bakit lagi kong napagdidiskitahan itong pelikulang nyo eh. Siguro dahil ito ang ultimate Pinoy drama: rags to riches, fame and fortune, revenge, suffering, public humiliation and other Pinoy hobbies... tapos may sabuyan pa ng wine? Siguro dahil napakagaling ng aktingan nyo ni Miss Cherie Gil? Siguro dahil napaka-iconic ng mga eksena at linya? Siguro dahil may something wrong with me?

Who cares. I love this movie. And I love making fun of the movies I love. Nora Aunor, you're next.

As requested by Sir Jek Josue David, a big Sharon Cuneta fan ('fan' is an understatement), gumawa ako ng matinong "trailer" for the fans of the film:

Sabi nga ni Dorina kay Lavinia, "Nagustuhan mo ba?"

But my favorite line from the movie is Cherie Gil's "You'll never make it". Gusto kong gawing alarm clock tone. Everyday, let's make it a point to tell someone, "You'll never make it".

I think this is just the start of another hobby: reimagining the classics and making baboy trailers! Join me in my journey. Next stop: Himala... as a bold movie. Handa ka ba? Kakayanin mo ba?

Thanks bye mwahchupa.

I don't own any of the movie clips or music, so please don't sue me. You'll never make it.

Minsan nakakatuwa ang mag-videoke. Minsan nakaka-offend. Ako nga naooffend sa sarili kong boses. Parang galing sa hukay ang singing voice ko. Hindi ito para sa ikaeenjoy ng madla. Hangga't maaari, pinaka-iiwas-iwasan ko talaga ang mapasabak sa videoke kasi ito talaga ang nagdudulot ng kahihiyan sa akin.

Madalas diba katuwaan lang ang videoke, pero paano kung, tulad ng boses ko, negatibo na ang epekto nito sa paligid? Maraming bagay ang dapat isaalang-alang. Let me tell you a story.

Meron akong paboritong carinderia dati, na tawagin nating Carinderia 1. Masarap kumain doon, edible naman ang mga food at mabait yung waitress, friends pa nga kami sa Facebook. Ngunit isang araw, nag-install sila ng videoke machine. Sabi ko NOPE BYE THAT'S IT I QUIT Simula noon, hindi ko na sya favorite. Nakakasira kasi ng dining experience, you know what I mean? So lumipat ako sa katabing carinderia, ang Carinderia 2.

Dahil nagkaroon ng videoke, naging instant inuman place na ang Carinderia 1. Syempre hindi maiiwasan na mag-ingay sila habang nagkakasiyahan. Yung ingay nila, umaabot hanggang sa Carinderia 2, kaya dinig na dinig ko ang mga kaganapan. May mga kumakanta doon minsan, magagaling. Naalala ko yung kumanta dati ng Take Me Out Of The Dark na kaboses ni Jose Manalo.

Isang gabi, pagdating ko sa Carinderia 2, narinig kong may isang grupong nagvivideoke na naman sa Carinderia 1, mga naka-uniform ng *insert name of sikat na hardware store here*. OK lang naman, baka yun ang paraan nila upang mag-unwind matapos ang isang araw ng pagtatrabaho, at saka wala pa namang alas diyes ng gabi. Hindi pa naman sila nakakabulabog... so far.

Sadyang nakakalungkot lang ang mga sumunod na kaganapan.

Habang kumakain, narinig kong nagkakantyawan ang mga party peeps sa kabila. Tinutukso nila na kumanta ang isang kasama nilang babae, na itatago natin sa pangalang... Ate. Si Ate, ayaw kumanta noong una, ngunit napilitan. Ikaw ba naman ang tuksuhin much. Bumigay na siya, keysa naman matawag na killjoy. Ang napili nyang awitin ay ang awit ni Jireh Lim na pinamagatang "Buko" na isang awiting sadyang pa-sweet lang. Ito ang "Torete" at "Sway" sa videoke ng makabagong henerasyon.

Kakaiba ang version ni Ate ng Buko, nakakauhaw. Napukaw ang atensyon ko kaya sa lalong madaling panahon ay ni-record ko sa phone ko yung performance nya.

Enjoy:

Nabitin ba kayo? Me neither. LOL joke lang Ate.

Muntik na akong pumunta sa Carinderia 1 para kausapin si Ate at bigyan ng payo. Hindi nakakabuti sa kanya ang pag-inom. Tingin ko, kung walang impluwensya ng alcohol, may talent siya eh. Pwede pa isalba eh. Sana huwag syang malulong sa bisyong ito. Mamili na lang siya. Iinom o kakanta? Isang bisyo lang dapat.

Yung mga kasama nya, natahimik. Hindi ata sila handa. Hindi nila inexpect na ganyan ang kalalabasan.

Iba talaga ang peer pressure no? This time, nagbackfire, dahil mukhang nag-enjoy si Ate. Hindi ko mawari kung lasing na sya, sabi ng mga kasama nya, "Kampai!" I guess, para hindi na siya kumanta. LOL joke lang Ate.

Ngunit sadyang hindi pa kuntento si Ate. Nanlaban siya eh. Naipindot nya yung next song nya na talagang magshoshowcase ng kanyang boses. Bumirit siya ng isang classic na awitin ni Sarah Geronimo. Walang nakapigil sa kanya.

Sarah Geronimo naririnig mo ba ito? You better take some notes, coz your Forever's Not Enough is not enough. Kabahan ka na.

Iba ang version ni Ate, remix siguro yan. Nakakauplift. Ganyan ang mga gusto kong naririnig kumanta. Hindi sya boring eh. Sakto na yang cover version ni Ate. Mag-eenjoy akong pakinggan.

Yang ganyang singing voice, mapapanaginipan mo. Sa una kung papakinggan mo parang Lani Misalucha eh. Kuhang-kuha nya yung technique ni Lani Misalucha, yung mahina tapos biglang lumalakas? Laning-Lani, tapos haluan mo ng LA Lopez na papunta na sa Bjork? Basta, unique ito.

Habang pinakikinggan ang recording ko mas lalo kong naappreciate. Ini-ignore ko lang yung part na parang nabilaukan siya sa beer. Nakapagdesisyon na ako, ito ang gagawin kong alarm clock tone. Tiyak mapapabangon ako agad-agad at hindi na malelate sa trabaho.

Katuwaan lang ang lahat OK? Hindi ko intensyon to offend(1) her, or baka may ma-offend(2) na namang mga easily offended(3) readers jan na araw-araw naghahanap ng bagong ikakaoffend(4).

Tsaka wala ako sa posisyon para laitin siya gayong batid ko naman na it's a tie lang kami. Buti nga siya yung boses nya, boses tao.

THE END

May napansin ba kayo sa lyrics ni Ate? "And I, forever's not enough". Hindi ba "if" yun? Hindi nya nakita ung 'f'? O talagang I yun? Mali si Sarah Geronimo? Ang dami kong tanong, ayoko ng ganito. Ayoko na NOPE BYE THAT'S IT I QUIT

Hi. New year’s resolution ko ang maging nice person. Kaya nga noong unang araw ng taong 2017 minabuti namin ni Mudrax na simulan ang taon na magaan ang pakiramdam. Kasi paano ka magiging nice sa iba kung hindi ka nice sa iyong sarili? At paano ka magiging nice outside kung hindi ka nice inside? Naisipan naming magpamassage to get some relaxation and rejuvenation. Buti na lang may bagong bukas na spa na malapit lang sa amin kaya hindi na namin kinailangang lumayo para makaranas ng relaxation and rejuvenation. Sinubukan namin sa bagong bukas na Danger Spa.

Hindi talaga Danger Spa ang pangalan nitong spa. Nais ko lang itago ang kanilang pangalan. You're about to find out why and you're gonna shit.

Pagpasok namin sa spa, may kinukulot sa isang sulok. Noon ko napagtanto na hindi lamang ito spa, meron ding salon. Buti na lang madaling nakapag-adjust ang mga ilong namin sa amoy ng gamot na pangkulot. Maya-maya pa ay hindi na namin ito alintana habang nagtatanong ng rates ng massage offerings nila.

Tinignan kong maigi ang mga services offered nila at tunay itong nakakabilib. May massage, facial, parlor, at may physical therapy pa. Meron pang body bleaching, underarm whitening, lipo cavitation, gluatathion injection and dextrose (nagulat ako sa dextrose, ito yata yung option kapag gusto mong palitan ang dugo mo ng glutathion). Complete service from head to toe dito. Parang ang gusto nilang mangyari, papasok ka minsan sa kanilang spa, paglabas mo hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mo dahil sa dami ng nabago sa katawan mo.

Lahat yan offered nila. Kaya naman ang total number of staff nila, hindi ko talaga inaasahan. Binilang ko pa para masigurao na ganun nga sila karami. A total of 2.

Napili naming ni Mudrax yung basic massage package nila. Pagpasok namin sa massage area na natatabingan ng mga kurtina, dumapa na ako sa massage table, at sa hindi kalayuan (mga dalawang hakbang) nakapwesto si Mudrax. Pumasok na si Ateng Masseuse para simulan ang massage. Dahil limited ang space, kinailangan nyang iusog ang massage table padikit sa wall. Ginawa nya ito habang nakadapa ako.

“Sir, yung massage package na napili nyo, massage lang yun.”

“Opo”, wala naman akong ineexpect na iba! Kasama ko kaya ang Nanay ko Ate!

“Kung gusto nyo sir may kasamang stretching. Mas marerelax kayo sir, eto kasing massage parang wala lang.”

Galing ng upselling skills ni Ate. Bibilib ka.

“Just add P50 Sir.”

“Check ko ang budget ko ha,” sabi ko lang, ayoko kasi yung Oo lang nang Oo kasi mamaya baka kung ano-anong add-ons na ang i-offer nya sa amin, magugulat na lang kami ng Nanay ko naka-dextrose na rin kami ng glutathion.

“Sige po Ate.”

“OK Sir wait lang,” at biglang lumabas si Ate at hinanap ang boss. “Ma’am, pa-add ng stretching, P50”

*Whisper whisper*

*Whisper whisper*

Mga ilang sandali pa bago bumalik si Ate at nagwikang “Sir, ngayon lang itong P50 ha”. Haha shet napagalitan pa ata si Ate sa pag-offer ng P50 na add-on.

Siguro para matanggal ang aroma ng pangkulot, nagsindi sila ng mga scented candles sa paligid. OK lang sana ito kung hindi magkatabi ang kandila at kurtina. Sa ganitong paraan nasunugan ang kapitbahay namin noon.

Sinimulan na ni Ate ang shiatsu. Hindi nya ako tinanong kung soft, moderate o hard. Nagdesisyon sya na kailangan ko ng hard.

Habang hinahagod ni Ate ang likod kong pagod, hapo, pagal, hindi maalis ang tingin ko sa kandila sa ilalim ng table. Inaabangan kong sumayad ang ningas ng apoy sa kurtina. Hindi ko na sinabi ito sa staff because I’m a nice customer and a nice person also, kaya pinilit ko na lang magrelax. Pumikit ako at dinamdam ang masahe, at pinakinggan ang soothing sounds sa paligid.

Kasabay ng relaxing music ang sounds ng pumapatak na tubig. Ang sarap pakinggan. Ganitong music ang pinapatugtog ko sa Spotify kapag patulog na ako eh.

*Water flow*

*Soft music*

*Water flow*

*Candle flickering*

*Glasses clinking*

*Water flow*

*May nagkukuskos ng kaldero*

Sa likod pala ng kurtinang katabi ko, natatabingan ang lababo at kasalukuyang may naghuhugas ng pinggan. Sa saliw naman ng tugtugin at relaxing water sounds, narirnig ko ang pinaka-boss ng dalawang masseur, may kausap na customer.

“Buti nga Sir nagagalaw mo pa. Yung isang pasyente ko, parang laging gulat.”

HALA ano raw? Bigla kong naaalala, may kasama nga palang Physical Therapy sa kanilang services. Siguro nastroke yung pasyente.

“Doc kapag pumipikit ako, ang nakikita ko, maliwanag. Para akong nakaharap sa araw.”

Hindi nakakatulong sa relaxation ko ang usapan nilang ito. Buti na lang, yung nagmamasahe sa Nanay ko medyo makwento. Syempre dinig na dinig ko rin.

“Ang dami niyong lamig-lamig Ma’am.”

“Oo galing ako sa Baguio eh.”

Ayun hindi na siya nagsalita uli. Hindi yata nya inexpect ang ganung response. Hindi sya handa. Meanwhile lumipat sa kabilang side ko si Ateng masseuse at inusog na naman nya ang table. May times na hindi talaga siya kasya sa space, halos napitpit na sya sa wall para lang makapesto siya. Itong may-ari, sinulit ang rent nitong space. Siguro kung may chance dadagdagan pa nila ito ng acupuncture o kaya yoga classes, kebs lang sa space.

Pagdapo ng kamay ni Ate sa tagilirang ribs ko napakagat labi ako sa pagtitiis kasi malaks ang kiliti ko doon. Pinipigil ko talaga. Mas gusto ko pa yung feeling ng nagtatae keysa sa nakikiliti. Hindi ko na napigil, napalakas ang tawa ko tapos kinuha ko yung kamay ni Ate para pigilan sya. But no, si Ate tinapik lang paalis yung kamay ko sabay tinuloy ang hagod sa ribs.

“Nakikiliti ka anak?”

*Giggles*

Maya-maya pa, sinimulan na ni Ate ang tinatawag nyang stretching. Tangina naawa ako sa kanya. Sa halagang P50, pinasan nya sa balikat nya ang dalawang hita ko sabay hila. Sabay twist. Sabay fold. Sabay bend. Sampa si Ate sa massage table tapos halos iangat nya ang buong katawan ko. Sabay hatak. Sabay rotate. Tirik ang mata ko eh. Ito ang pinakasulit na P50 sa aking buhay. Siguro pinagsisisihan na ni Ate yung naisip nyang add-on.

“Sir, higa naman po kayo” so tumihaya ako para imasahe ni Ate mula ulo pababa sa dibdib. Nakapwesto siya sa ulunan ko nang buksan nya ang oil....

...
...
...

Pumatak ang oil sa mata ko puta ang sakit!

“Ay sorry Sir!

Hindi naman ako nagalit. Sabi ko nga ako ay nice customer. Ipinikit ko na lang ang pain. Kaso pag napapapikit naman ako, naririnig ko naman si Dok.

“Kaya nyong ngumiti? Yan good. Simangot naman. Good. Ngisi. Yan good. Umismid ka.”

“Ano yung ismid?” tanong ng pasyente.

“Yung ano, yung parang...” pati tuloy ako napatanong sa aking sarili, paano ba umismid? Di ko naman mapractice kasi baka makita ni Ate Masseuse isipin nya hindi ako masaya sa masahe nya.

“Ma’am try nyo rin yung facial, para maclear itong pores at blah blah” sabi ng nagmamasahe kay Mudrax. Just a little background on my Mudrax, siya yung taong wag na wag mong dadalhin sa nag-dedemo ng product sa mall kasi mabilis syang makumbinse. Iniiwas ko talaga sya sa mga ganun kasi maya-maya...

“Anak, parang gusto ko subukan yung facial nila.”

“Kayo Sir pa-facial na rin” sabi ni Ateng hinihingal matapos ako i-stretching. Sige na lang kasi sabay naman kami ni Mudrax. Matapos ang masahe, nag-take a break lang si Ate at ako rin, gusto ko muna lumanghap ng sariwang hangin, yung hindi amoy pangkulot. Lumabas ako saglit para magpahangin at magcheck ng Facebook.

After a few moments bumalik ako sa Danger Spa. Nasimulan na ang facial kay Mudrax. Ang best part, wala akong maupuan kasi occupied lahat ng area nila. Yung kaninang kinukulot nakatulog na ata doon sa chair. May dalawang girls sa sofa nagbabasa ng magazine, katabi yung Nanay nila na nagpapa-pedicure.

“Wait lang po muna Sir ha,” sabi sa akin ng boss. “Eto po ang wi-fi password namin” sabi nya so may idea ako kung ano ang ibig nyang sabihin: matatagalan ka pang maghintay, mag-Internet ka muna.

“Wala pa po ba yung nagpe-facial?” ang tanong ko sa kanya.

“Ay nandito siya Sir, may pine-pedicure lang.”

At yun nga, si Ateng kakatapos lang magmasahe sa akin, nagpe-pedicure. Habang naghihintay, nagpalipas ako ng oras sa pamamagitan ng pagbilang kung ilang scented candles ang nakasindi at nakakalat sa paligid: 184. OK exaggeration lang pero ang dami talaga, pang-horror movie ang dating.

“Sir, facial na po tayo...”

Sa parehong massage table nya ako pinahiga. Buti naman at hindi ko naamoy sa kamay nya ang paa ng huli nyang customer at naka-gloves sya. Ini-sponge nya yung mukha ko at pinahiran ng something mahapdi.

“Mahapdi? Toner lang to Sir!” sabi ni Ate na para bang kapag nalaman kong toner lang yun eh mawawala bigla ang hapdi. Pero hindi ko na ipinilit. I’m a nice person.

“Tapos ka na diyan?” tanong ni Ate sa kasama nyang staff na naglalagay na ng cream sa mukha ni Mudrax. Kasunod nito, itinutok nya sa akin ang steamer. Sa buong process ng facial ito ang pinakaayaw ko. Masakit sa ulo ito eh. At saka para akong nadedehydrate ganun? Habang nakatutok sa akin ang steamer lumabas muna si Ate. Ito yata ang break nya. Or ewan, baka nagising na yung nagpakulot at hinanap siya?

Sa isa pang massage table narinig ko na naman ang tinig na puro takot ang hatid sa aking imahinasyon, ang tinig ni Doc.

“Lalakasan ko ang kuryente ha?”

“OK Doc.”

“Kaya pa?”

“Ungh”

“Eto”

“Unghhh”

“Yan?”

“Unghhhhh”

Naalala ko ang pelikulang Saw for some reason.

Alam mo yung may pinapakuluan kang karne tapos gusto mong icheck kung malambot nya, so inangat mo yung takip ng kaserola tapos biglang bumulusok sa mukha mo ung mainit na steam at naluha ka bigla? Ganun ang nangyari sa akin, medyo gradual lang, pero ang ending, masakit na ung mukha ko at naluluha na ako dahil sa steamer.

“Miss... Miss... Miss?”

Mainit na talaga nung hinawi ni Ate ang kurtina at i-off ang steamer. Shet ginawa nya akong siomai. Sinimulan nya na ang pagprick kasunod ng diamond peel. Para syang may hawak na peeler talaga.

“Sir baka gusto nyo, meron din kaming warts removal,” siyang pag-upsell ni Ate.

“Ah magkano po?”

“Meron pong charge na per area...”

“Magka—“

“... pero i-avail nyo na yung unli.”

“Unli?”

“Yes Sir, unli-warts.”

Hanggang kelan kaya ang itatagal ng nice person-nice person ko ngayong taon?

Next, nilagyan nya na ako ng cream. Whitening daw yun. Habang hinihintay manigas ang cream napapikit akong muli. Humihilik na ang Nanay ko sa kabilang massage table. Pero ako, mas dilat pa sa kwago. Sa lahat naman ng napuntahan kong spa, dito ako alert 100% of the time. Hindi ko magawang magchill nang lubusan.

Dumungaw sa kurtina ang boss siguro para icheck kung ano na ang natamo kong injuries so far. Napatakan ng oil sa mata? Naisaing ang mukha? “Sir ang init pala dito, lipat na lang kayo dun sa kabilang massage table para abot ng aircon.”

Gusto ko sanang sabihing malamig doon kanina, yung steamer ang may kasalanan. Bumangon ako at sinundan sya palabas. Ayun, habang may naninigas na cream sa mukha ko naglakad ako sa pagitan ng mga kinukulot at pinepedicure.

Bumalik na si Ate at nilinis ang cream sa mukha ko. Gising na rin ang Nanay ko at nagbabayad na. Sabi ko mag-tip sya, tig-100 yung dalawang staff. Siguro natuwa sila kasi agad-agad silang may in-offer kay Mudrax.

“Pagupit na kayo Ma’am.”

“Hair color Ma’am, ako na rin ang magkukulay.”

“Eto Ma’am tsaa. Kayo Sir, gusto nyo rin ng Danger Tea?” sabay abot sa akin ng salabat.

~The End~

Isang gabi sumakay ako ng taxi. Medyo kakaiba itong experience ko na ito and medyo buwis buhay so listen up you're gonna shit. Umpisa pa lang ng byahe nakapansin na ako ng kakaiba kay Kuya, pero kadalasan naman ang mga kakaibang bagay, hindi na natin iniisip much. Pagtapos ng lahat ng kaganapan, kapag nireview mo na ang buong kwento, saka mo lang maiisip na Oo nga no? It all adds up.

Pagpara ko sa taxi at pag-upo:

"Kuya. Trinoma po."

"Saan yun?"

Hala si Kuya. Inisip ko na lang na baka hindi talaga siya masyadong nagagawi sa Quezon City kaya hindi nya alam kung nasaan ang Trinoma.

"Diretso lang po."

Kasalukuyang tumutugtog sa radyo ang awiting I'm Yours ni Jason Mraz na parang hindi naman nagustuhan ni Kuya (Sorry Mister A-Z) kaya nagsalang siya ng CD. Oo CD, uso pa rin yun ngayon. At ang tugtugang gusto ni Kuya ay...

Bakit ang sabi mo, binata ka?
Walang sabit at malaya pa?

Well anyway, who am I to judge ang mga ganitong music choices, ako na nagpapatugtog ng mga morally questionable songs tulad ng My Pussy Belongs To Daddy. Pero hindi pa naman ako humantong sa pagpapa-burn ng CD ng Bakit Ang Sabi Mo Binata Ka?

Alam nyo yung tinatawag na ice breaker? Opening statements para mawala ang awkwardness, to "break the ice" ganyan.

"Ang kukulit nung naisakay kong pokpok kanina" ang ice breaker ni Kuya. Hindi ko napigil ang tawa ko. Siguro kung nakapustiso ako, nahulog na. Nag-elaborate naman si Kuya.

"Sabi nila, sa *** (business name ng isang night club) lang sila, eh wala namang ganun sa Mindanao Ave, sa Quirino Highway meron nun!

Isip-isip ko, tado ka, kabisado mo ang beerhouse, hindi mo alam kung nasaan ang Trinoma! Pero tumatawa pa rin ako sa ice breaker nya, lalo pa at itinuloy nya ang kwento.

"Sabi ko nga, Ang gaganda nyo, papalapa lang kayo sa mga lasing doon? Oo Sir ang gaganda nung dalawa, ang babata pa siguro dise-siete lang."

Tahimik lang ako.

"Sinagot ba naman ako ng Magsalsal ka na lang para wala kang problema!"

Puta yung tawa ko wagas.

"Tanginang mga pokpok. Tangina talaga yang mga pokpok na yan. May pumara sa akin minsan, akala ko pasahero. Pagkaupo, ang sabi agad, Alam mo, hiwalay na ako sa asawa. Pwede mo gawin lahat ng gusto mo.

"Ano po ang sinagot nyo?"

"Baba!"

Kunwari nagkakamot ako ng tenga at pasimpleng tinignan ang itsura ni Kuya. Mukha syang komedyante. Patuloy pa rin si Kuya sa pagkwento nya sa mga naisakay nyang pokpok. Naisip ko, pokpok kaya talaga sila? O assumption nya lang? Minsan kasi mahirap masabi eh.

Aaminin ko (alam ko marami magagalit sa akin) minsan, napag-iisipan kong professional sex officer ang isang girl na nakakasabay ko sa jeep kapag 1) Luwa ang cleavage hanggang pusod 2) iba ang kulay ng mukha sa leeg 3) Iba ang kulay ng leeg sa dibdib 4) bumaba sa Makati Ave. Sorry na. I promise hindi ko na uulitin ang ganitong sexist na thinking.

But come to think of it, ano naman ang masama kung mapagkamalang pokpok? As far as I know isa itong marangal na hanapbuhay. But anyway, natigil saglit sa pagkwento si Kuya.

"Diretso ba tayo? Diyan yung Trinoma?"

"Opo, pagtawid nyo ng North Avenue Trinoma na yun."

"Panggabi ka?"

"Opo."

"Ano trabaho mo?"

Sasagot pa lang sana ako nang biglang hinulaan ni Kuya ang trabaho ko.

"Security guard?"

Puta laglag ang imaginary pustiso ko sa sahig. #Polident

Hindi naman ako physically fit para maging gwardiya. Pero madalas nga ako mapagkamalan for someone na hindi naman ako. Like nung minsang ang aga-aga ko sa Starbucks para magkape, kabubukas pa lang ng store. Paglapit ko sa cashier, sabi sa akin, "Applicant?"

Or yung one time nasa Penshoppe ako tapos may nag-aabot sa akin ng Tshirt at nagpapahanap ng medium. Madalas rin akong biktima ng assumptions.

Sasakyan ko sana yung hula ni Kuya just to see kung mapapaniwala ko sya na guard nga ako, kasi nakakaflatter naman, ngunit biglang--

"AY PUTANGINA KA TARANTADO KA GAGU KA!" sigaw ni Kuya sa isa pang taxi na biglang kumaliwa sa harap namin at muntik na talagang mabangga.

Pinulot ko ang nagkalat na imaginary pustiso ko sa sahig sa lakas ng preno ni Kuya.

"Malas talaga itong byahe ko ngayong araw na ito. Yan muntikan na mabangga. Pangalawa na yan. May nabundol na akong single kanina."

OK...

"Nahuli na nga ako dalawang beses kanina."

"Bakit ho?"

"Ewan ko, sobrang init, nawawala na ako sa katinuan."

Buti na lang Trinoma na. Binigay ko na yung bayad ko at hindi na hiningi ang sukli.

"Magingat po kayo Kuya."

Aabangan ko siya sa news.

I don't cook because I can't cook. Hindi yung pa-cute na Hindi ako marunong sa gawaing bahay senyorito ako kind of disability, kundi yung Anong mauunang ilagay, yung mantika o yung tubig kind of disability. Sinusubukan ko naman eh. Hindi lang talaga ako magaling, pero edible naman (for me) ang luto ko.

It's not like I had the best teachers. Sa amin, si Pudrax ang magaling magluto. Name it, nailuto nya na. Papaitan, sisig, kilawin, ganyan. Basta pang-pulutan, kayang-kaya nya lutuin yan. At wala syang patience sa pagtuturo. He's the Kung hindi ka tutulong, umalis ka sa kusina kind of teacher.

Si Mudrax din, nagluluto, not out of joy but out of necessity, dahil kailangan namin ng nutrisyon sa katawan. Hindi ko sinasabing fail ang luto nya. Meron lang time na nag-adobo siya tapos dim lights noon sa kusina, akala ko talaga pakbet yung kinakain ko. Lasang pakbet, tinadtad nya kasi ng luya. She's the Inuubo ka at magandang gamot sa ubo ang luya kind of cook.

Una akong nag-attempt magluto noong high school, nung minsang naiwan akong mag-isa sa bahay. Binilinan ako ni Pudrax na nag-iwan sya ng pork chops sa freezer at ako na lang ang bahalang magprito. At kabilin-bilinan rin nya na wag kong iiwan ang niluluto ko. May history na kasi ako eh, nung minsang nagsaing ako eh dumaan sa bahay ang mga classmates ko at nagyayang magpunta sa beach. Sumama naman ako because you know, peer pressure, at iniwan ko na yung sinaing.

This time, hindi ko na talaga iiwan yung pork chops. And ayokong prito lang, gusto kong gawing adobo. Hindi ko na hiniwa, inadobo ko siya na nakahiwang pork chop. Ako lang naman ang kakain, who's gonna judge me? So nagtext ako sa kaklase ko at nagpaturo ng recipe. Soy sauce, paminta, bawang, suka. So far, so good.

Eh nagkataon namang maganda ang palabas sa TV. So pinanood ko sandali.

Namalayan ko na lang, sumisigaw na ang Tita ko sa likod ng bahay namin, at pagdating ko sa kusina, puro usok na lang ang nakikita ko. Yung pork chop ko, na ayaw kong iprito dahil gusto kong iadobo, naging inihaw.

At least, hindi hilaw.

Noong college, lalo akong hindi nagluluto. Sa labas ako lagi kumakain. Suyod na suyod ko lahat ng carinderia, eatery, canteen, restaurants ("restaurant" yeah), mamihan at tapsilogan sa tabi ng SLU. Tirador rin ako ng pancit canton. Sino bang estudyanteng nagdodorm ang hindi pumatol sa tukso ng pancit canton?

Nagtatrabaho na ako pero mag-isa pa rin ako sa bahay. Hindi praktikal sa akin ang magluto. Mas mahaba pa ang oras ko sa pagluluto at paghuhugas ng pinggan keysa sa aktuwal na pagkain. To me that sounds unfair.

Last year ko lang naisip bumili ng electric stove. Sabi ko, "It's time." Kapag dumadalaw ang Nanay ko, nagluluto kami. Bale siya ang naghihiwa ng gulay at baboy, siya ang nagtitimpla, siya ang naglalagay sa pot. Ang kontribusyon ko ay ang paghalo-halo at pagdedesisyon kung luto na ito. At ako ang taga-post sa Instagram with hashtag #ICooked

Kapag wala si Mudrax Doris, nag-aattempt pa rin naman akong magluto. Pancit canton ganun. Minsan, full blown meal talaga, like pancit canton with egg. Mostly prito. One time nagprito ako ng hotdogs. Sinundan ko naman ang directions.

At least hindi hilaw. Ayoko lang naman maulit yung one time, naglaga ako ng itlog tapos nung biniyak ko, malamig pa yung yolk. Parang may chance pa sya na mabuo at maging sisiw. So from then on sinisigurado ko na hindi hilaw ang luto ko.

Since last year marami na akong nailuto. Or, nasunog. Nakasunog na ako ng tocino, chicken nuggets, ham...

Pork chops...

Pancakes...

One time naman nagluto ako ng Knorr soup. Can you believe it, nakasunog ako ng soup? Cream of corn yun eh. Noong una hinahalo-halo ko naman at OK pa. Nag-Instagram lang ako sandali, paghalo ko uli, may lumutang na itim. It's too gross for Instagram.

But at least hindi hilaw!

Nagsawa na ako sa kakasunog ng burger patties, beef tapa, pork strips. Naisip ko, panahon na para iba naman ang sunugin ko. So naisip ko mag-adobo uli.

Sabi ko, "It's time."

Ano akala mo fail no? You were saying??? Hindi sya nasunog. At ang daming nag-Like, 23 sila, including Mark "Mugen" Striegl (MMA Fighter) and Vince Golangco (founder of WhenInManila.com). Siguro naghahanap sila ng #adobo that time.

So yun I'm so proud of my adobo.

Actually...

Actually, ganito talaga ang nangyari. Ang sabi sa na-Google kong instructions, i-marinate muna ang pork sa soy sauce at bawang for one hour. Done that.

Tapos ilagay ang marinade sa pot and cook for a few minutes. Done that. Nanood muna ako ng Chappie.

Lagyan ng tubig at paminta. Done that. I didn't bother with the basil leaves shit, dadagdag lang yun sa throwaways. Gusto kong ilutong dishes yung walang buto, tinik, ulo kuko, at dahon-dahon para wala na akong itatapon at mas madaling maghugas ng plates.

Let it boil and simmer for 40 minutes, sabi sa instructions. Masyadong matagal. So naligo muna ako. But of course, hindi ko iniwan yung niluluto ko na nakasalang. I'm not that stupid. So pinatay ko muna.

After ko maligo, pinakuluan ko uli at dinagdagan ng suka. Easy. So far amoy adobo na siya. Naghugas muna ako ng pinggan.

Hala nalingat lang ako saglit, natuyo na ang sabaw. Hindi ito maaari. Ayoko ng adobong walang sabaw, it's like a waste of perfectly good pork.

So dinagdagan ko ng soy sauce.

Noong kumulo, nilagyan ko ng tubig at suka. And this time, hindi ko na iniwan. Kahit hindi ko na naintindihan yuung pinapanood kong Chappie.

Noong nagdecide ako na luto na, ihinain ko na ang adobo sa sarili ko. YUMMY. The end.

Actually no, sumakit ang ulo ko. Ang alat. Lasang baboy at soy sauce. I felt like it gave me cancer. Super malasa siya, bawat hibla ng pork pwede mong iulam sa tatlong sandok ng rice.

Matapos kumain, nanghinayang ako sa pork. Pwede ko pa ito magawan ng paraan eh.

So niluto ko uli. Hinaluan ko uli ng soy sauce, tubig at suka. Nung nagdesisyon ako na luto na uli siya, tinikman ko. Mapait. Lasang pinagsamang lungkot at pighati. Lasang putangina. Natulog na lang ako.

Paggising ko ng 1AM gutom na gutom ako at napagdiskitahan ko na naman yung adobo. Siguro kakadagdag ko ng soy sauce kaya hindi na sya edible. Kasalanan talaga ng soy sauce. Buong bahay nangamoy toyo na nga eh.

Nagpakulo ako ng tubig at saka ihinulog isa isa yung mga pork, without the sabaw. Grabe yung lumabas na soy sauce sa karne, nakabuo ako ng isa pang adobo.

Nung kinain ko na, edible na siya, hindi na gumuguhit sa lalamunan. Pero nakakahurt ng feelings na yung 1/4 kilo ng baboy ay tatlong beses kong inadobo. And hindi na kailangan pang malaman ng 23 kataong nag-Like sa Instagram, including Mark Striegl and Vince Golangco, na ang adobong yun ay cancerous.

I'm the Eat at your own risk kind of cook.

Beauty and the Beast is a live-action remake of the 1991 animated classic, featuring a beautiful girl Belle (played by Emma Watson) who breaks a lifelong curse by falling in love with the Beast (played by Meryl Streep). For a movie that banked on nostalgia and generally good feelings, Beauty and the Beast did fairly well. It’s hard to succeed with a story familiar to everyone because there’s no room for shocking twists and puzzling mysteries. Everybody knows how it goes, we all recognize the iconic characters (even that talking teapot), and everybody knows the song. Beauty and the Beast is probably the only Celine Dion song everyone knows. For sure it’s the only Peabo Bryson song I know. Still, the movie was a success. OK now I’m done with the “review” part. It’s time to roast this bitch!!!1111

♬ Tale as old as time...

... and as worn out as clichés. OR ~WHAT IF~ this story is so original that it gave birth to what we now refer to as cliché? Let’s see.

First and foremost, the arrogant Prince holds a massive party at the castle where he meets a hooded old woman begging for shelter. We should all know by now that if you cross a bitch wearing a hood, disaster will follow. And so, the non-partygoer and basic-looking woman reveals herself to be some fairy and proceeded to fuck. shit. up. Not only does she curse the Prince into a hideous beast, she turns the palace dwellers into talking, self-aware, and sexually repressed furniture. The castle closes down and everyone forgets about the whole scandal. The curse will only be lifted by the only thing that can lift curses in all fairy tales: true love what else.

Across town is where Belle lives. She is beautiful, smart, kind and of course, virginal. “There must be more than this provincial life” she sings. Of course there’s more, because you’re pretty! Beauty opens doors. No one ugly allowed.

And there’s Gaston, the local fuccboi, with his loyal fluffer LeFou. Yes this movie is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship, but not between Beauty and the Beast, but Gaston and LeFou.

Belle’s loving father does what loving fathers do in ALL fairy tales. Your choices are A) Get sick B) Die C) Get hostaged. In this case it’s C. He wanders into the Beast’s castle and picks a rose, which angers the Beast. For someone with a ginormous castle, royal blood and uber-wealthy status, he gets bitchy when people steal from his garden. Typical old money. So he imprisons Belle’s father and she has to save him! Belle follows to the castle and encounters the Beast, a monster! OMG Of course she hates him at first, because he is really really annoying.

“A life sentence for a single rose?”
“Girl don’t talk to me about life sentences” referring to his face.
“Sry.”

She takes her father’s place as the Beast’s prisoner. We’re using the term ‘prisoner’ very loosely here. In our world, you HAVE TO PAY to be able to live in a castle. I’ll have to take a government loan, work until my dying day, sell my soul to the devil or sell my kidneys on eBay, whichever transaction is faster. So yes, Belle is a “prisoner” in a castle where she lives rent-free, surrounded by thousands of books and ABSOLUTELY ZERO people (I like that). She doesn’t even have to cook because the castle dwellers got her covered.

“You can talk???” Belle asks the candelabra. Well, not only that, they can put on a solid production number.

♬ Be our ~~prisoner~~ guest, be our ~~prisoner~~ guest.

Sausage Party ruined this musical number for me. Imagine these household objects making out with each other. Or worse, what if the Beast has actually used them for his own pleasure? All that time alone with not much to do leads to a lot of experimentation. Proof: the Beast is very close to the candelabra. You don’t want to find out where those three candles have been...

And that teapot too. As the age-old saying goes, “Everything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”

Belle’s father asks Gaston for help, but he is too busy with himself. In a town where everyone wants you or wants to be you, you will always be busy. His “bestfriend” Le Fou sings him a tribute:

♬ No one fights like Gaston
No one hits like Gaston
No one spits like Gaston
No one shoots, like Gaston,
All over my face please Gaston--

As expected, Belle LOVES it in the castle. At first she tries to escape and had every chance to but no. The Beast is actually gentle. And kind. She learns more about him, how intelligent he is (they’ve read the same books, how cool is that!) and he ~TOTALLY~ gets her. And he proobably still has lots of money somewhere.

♬ Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you are rich--

As for the Beast, he is actually starting to have some warm feelings in his black heart. If he falls in love and she loves him back, the curse is lifted. Good thing she’s super pretty and he’s filthy rich so it’s a match. Tale as old as time right?

This is the part where they start to fall in love, which is funny because, come to think of it, they’re barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly. Of course the house furniture are all rooting for this new love team. Somewhere in the castle, the toilet seat, the one who wants to be returned to human form most badly, is very hopeful.

♬ Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As bestiality

Now it is revealed that not only can Belle live rent-free with servants at her beck and call and with a lover Beast that she can mostly tolerate better than Gaston, there’s actually a means for them to teleport. And not only that, there’s also a CCTV mirror where you can watch ANYONE in the world... at all times... no matter what they are doing... Fuck the castle and the library, I want this mirror. This is like Google Earth but ~~sexier~~ more useful.

Belle looks at the mirror and sees her father about to get fucked up by the township. Ugh, she needs to save him, again! She just put on this crazy yellow gown and now she has to get him out of trouble. How inconvenient.

“Guys don’t kill my father please I’m serious.”
“You’re crazy.”
“No there’s really a beast, here look in the mirror!”
“OK then let’s kill that beast!”

“Bitch this is not why I gave you the mirror!” Understandably the Beast loses his shit when Gaston shows up wanting to kill him. A battle between the townsfolk and the castle objects ensues. The Beast gets into beast-mode and Gaston shoots him but also he falls from the rooftop and is killed instead. No one gets killed like Gaston.

Meanwhile LeFou finds another man, now all they need is that candelabra and they’re all set.

Beast dies. But the fairy shows up and reverses the curse and then I don’t know, she leaves again to fuck up someone else’s life? The beast changes back into his human form. At this point your heart is filled with such joy that when they start dancing at the ball you just have to sing along.

♬ Tale as old as time
Tune as old as
Stockholm syndrome

This movie game me feelings. It showed a world where Belle, a human, learned to coexist with Beast, a mutant. Mutant, and proud!

SCENE AFTER CREDITS: Belle and the Prince are dancing and she whispers,

“Please please please tell me you kept your beast dick--” THE END

Photo credit: http://movies.disney.co.uk/beauty-and-the-beast-2017

Okay Kids ang daming nangyari sa akin lately, hindi ko alam kung ano uunahin, kaya ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng moment magkwento. Mas madalas pa ko magbayad ng domain keysa magpost! Susubukan ko talaga magpost nang mas madalas. For now, meron akong balita.

So last December nagkaroon kami ng chance ni Mudrax na pag-usapan ang pangarap naming business: dress shop. Ilang taon na rin namin itong pinag-iisipan pero hindi matuloy-tuloy, hanggang sa isang araw parang nag-align lahat ng maswerteng bituin. Nakakita kami ng magandang location, nakapagplano ng target market, nakapaghanda ng konting capital.

So noong February 1, 2017, ganap na nagbukas ang aming munting dress shop:

Ansabe ng pink poster? Gawa ko yan. (Sideline: kung gusto mo magpagawa for your business, wedding, or personal kaartehan needs, contact me! Kailangan ko ng pera)

Mayroon na kaming dress shop noon pang bata ako. "Doris Dress Shop" nga yun eh. Kumusta mga ka-DDS? Pananahi talaga ang kabuhayan ni Mudrax ever since. Kaya bata pa ako, sanay na ako na napapaligiran ng retaso at sinulid. Ako pa ang nauutusang magdeliver ng mga pinatahi sa mga bahay nila. Going the extra mile ganyan.

Tapos si Khikhi at yung kapatid nya, laging tambay sa shop namin. Yung kapatid nyang si Bunie, Grade 2 pa lang nagpapatahi na kay Mudrax ng wedding gown. As in. Tuwing makikita nya si Mudrax, sisigaw agad sya ng "Mare!!! Yung wedding gown ko ha??? Promise????" at sasagot naman si Mudrax ng "Oo Mare pramis!" Hanggang nung mag-college si Bunie, kapag nagkakasalubong sila ni Mudrax sa Baguio, yan pa rin ang sinasabi nya.

Ngayon after more than 20 years nagbabalik ang dress shop ng kahapon. Sa unang buwan namin in business meron nang mga nagpatahi. Bawat dress or gown na mayari, isinusot namin sa mannequin, tapos kukunan ko ng picture, tapos aayusin ko sa Photoshop, tapos ipopost ko sa aming Facebook page na ako ang nag-mamanage, tapos ipopost ko pa sa Instagram na ako rin ang nag-aasikaso, at kapag may nag-inquire online, ako rin ang sasagot. Ang dami kong ginagawa, do I have to do all the work here???

Joke lang. Wala pa sa 1% ang mga ginagawa ko sa level ng trabahong ginagawa ni Mudrax. Umagang Kay Ganda pa lang, gising na sya at nagkakape. Maliligo na sya, at pagtapos nun, magmula sa Magandang Buhay hanggang sa Ang Probinsiyano, busy na sya sa dress shop.

You would think na nauubos ang oras nya sa pagtabas at pagtahi ng gown, sa pag-isip ng design, o sa solusyon kung paano pagkakasyahin ang tela sa XXXL na katawan. But no. Alam nyo kung ano ang tunay na nakakaubos ng oras nya?

*Knock*knock
Mudrax: Pasok po kayo Ma'am.
Ma'am: Nananahi po kayo?
Mudrax: *Excited* Opo, gown po ba? Dress? Costume?
Ma'am: Magpapaputol po sana ng shorts. Makukuha ba agad? Pwedeng hintayin? Magkano? P50? wala nang bawas?
Mudrax:
Me:
Shorts:

Sa point of view nating mga customers, paputol lang naman diba? Madali lang yun! But no. Una, hahanapan mo ng sinulid na match sa tela. Tapos ilo-load mo yung sinulid sa makina, hindi lang doon sa taas kundi pati sa ilalim, so itratransfer mo yung sinulid sa bobbin. Tapos gugupitin mo na yung tela, dapat pantay na pantay. Tapos tatahiin mo na, dapat diretso rin. Mahaba lang talaga ang pasensya ni Mudrax sa mga pa-repair kasi sila yung mga customers na sooner or later eh babalik para magpatahi talaga ng damit, at mag-iimbita pa ng iba.

Yung iba nga pasaway talaga eh. Kakatok tapos mag-iinquire... kung pwede silang makahingi ng perdible??? Or worse siguro yung isang kumatok at nanghingi ng sinulid... Sige na lang. Baka sa susunod, customers na rin sila.

Ang lakas pa naman ng hatak ng repeat customers at word of mouth doon sa aming neighborhood. Halimbawa yung isang Tyang nagpatahi ng bed sheet (na pinagawang shorts ang natirang tela), bumalik para magpagawa ng sofa cover (at shorts uli ang natirang tela, ewan ko ba, gusto ata nyang mag-camouflage sa paligid nya, gusto nya terno lahat). Maya-maya may dumarating na mga fellow-tyang ni Tyang at nag-iinquire na rin. Tingin ko gusto nila magpagawa ng matching outfits para sa kanilang daily chikahan get-together #squadgoals

Minarket ko na rin sa office namin ang aming business. As in nagdala ako ng mga tela at sinukatan ang mga nagpatahi. Eto ang mga pinagawa ng mga officemates ko. Hindi ko sure kung saan nila balak gamitin, basta gusto nila:

Pero ang pinakanakulit na customers? Mga bata. Kapag may nakita silang dress sa mannequin, hindi na sila mapipigil. Yung iba nagwawala.

In fact, tatlong bata na ang nagtantrum dahil sa Anna costume na ito:

Ang ipinagpapasalamat ko ngayon ay patuloy ang pagdating ng mga customers at mga nag-iinquire sa Facebook. Kahit nagtatanong lang at hindi pa nagpapatahi, malugod namin silang ina-accomodate. So far after 2 months masasabi kong maganda ang takbo ng shop and we're staying positive na sana maging successful ito.

Nakikita ko na sa mga susunod na buwan, magiging mas busy pa si Mudrax, lalo pa at may nakausap na syang magpapatahi ng isang buong wedding entourage. Guess who? Si Bunie, yung kapatid ni Khikhi. Ikakasal na siya next year, at tototohanin ni Mudrax ang pangako nya kay Bunie noong Grade 2 pa sya.

So eto Kids, for your dress and costume needs:

Facebook Message: Gustilo Designs

Phone: +639568899382

Email: gustilodesigns@gmail.com

Or visit us at:

44 Champaca Street

Unit 8115 Spazio Bernardo Condominium

Sauyo Quezon City

Hey Kids. I'm turning 30 tonight. I know it's no big deal if you're still in your twenties or if you're way past 30, but if you're 29 and on the verge of reaching the "line of threes" then you can't help but feel like you're reaching a milestone, you're just not exactly sure what.

At this point I feel like I'm about to turn over a new leaf, but don't we all get this feeling on our birthdays? You suddenly become conscious that with every millisecond you're both the youngest you'll ever be and the oldest you've ever been. You can almost envision your atomic particles reassembling themselves (I have no scientific reference on this) to create a new you every second. A birthday highlights it, with cakes and greetings and a new number to assign as your age for the next 365 days.

My point though is: I don't feel like 30, if there's feeling associated with being 30. Sure I don't have the same stamina, will to live, and metabolism I used to have in my twenties but I still have the same view of the world: I think it kind of hates me, so I hate it back. I still feel like my old adolescent self.

The other day my mother asked me when I plan to get married. I said Whaaat, NOPE. Not in my early thirties.

You expect a guy who keeps dirty dishes in the fridge because he doesn't want to deal with them yet to get married? You think I can be responsible for another human being? I can't even properly clean my bathroom, I just douse every surface with muriatic acid until all I see is white. I can cook, if you want to eat cancer. I simply can't deal with children (eww), and even more so, another adult, 24 hours a day for the rest of my life. I would really rather worry about the skin behind my ears exfoliating because I think it starts to smell like cheese. My biggest anxiety about my father is if he's losing his hair because I'm scared I might inherit male pattern baldness and I kinda like my hair.

I think my mother thinks that the fact I've been taking care of my monthly bills is a semblance of being a responsible adult. Mother, for days now I've been contemplating buying an extra battery and spare charger for my phone just because I don't like that my phone gets hot when I use it while charging, and after that I want to buy an entirely different phone. I am not the reponsible adult you think I am.

She asked, Who's going to take care of you when you grow old? (If I grow old right?)

I said, You!

She said, Not me!

I said, Then no one.

She won't let it rest, so we settled with one of my little nieces, she'll take care of me when I'm old(er). She doesn't know yet.

It's a too distant future and I don't want to think about it. My stand on it will either remain or change in the coming years. But today, *unpopular opinion* I kinda.... hate kids? Why should I get married and have kids (or have kids and get married) just because my peers are all doing it? I have no intentions of adding to the population. Why should I have kids just to have someone take care of me when I start shitting my pants? This is not a reason to have kids. Maybe in my mother's generation, but not in my generation. Nowadays, you have kids so you have something new to post on Instagram.

Speaking of things that remain and things that change, I think, like everyone, I'm still in the process of getting to know myself, who I really am, and it's a long process of separating the things that make up who I used to be from the things that make up who I am now and will be in the future. The things that used to define me, like my corrupted loyalty to my friends, my corny self-destructive, self-pitying phases and half-assed attempts to be relevant have all been pushed aside. What remains is my dysfunctional relationship with the handful of people I love, my desperate artwork and this dying blog.

To add to my list of future failures I recently took up scriptwriting. I still haven't gone past my synopsis because right now it has more loopholes than I have pimple scars, but it's slowly developing into a story I could be probably proud of in the future. Or not. I think it's the fact that I even managed to string words coherently is the point of pride here.

And then there are my obsessions, which end almost as soon as I develop them. Let's not get in there. it's ugly.

So these are what make me ME right now. I'm a 30-year old man-child who shuns responsibility and dreads social interactions outside Facebook, who would rather think about life than have an actual one.

When I was around 25, 26, with pride I told people I am not a good person, I will fuck you up, etc etc, but deep inside I like to think I'm actually a good guy. I have a good heart, I just don't like showing it to everyone. I will fuck you up but just for laughs.

Now, as I turn thirty there's no point in fooling myself and others. I have ACTUALLY wished ill on some people. I have cut people off from my life with little to no remorse. I'm hateful of so many things, now it's just a matter of deciding which one I hate more. I got invited to a wedding and sometimes I wish the bride and groom would just break up so I won't have to attend. I might actually be a bad person.

And that's okay. I don't have to be good for other people.

I've come to accept that life is unfair, that most people are actually self-serving individuals that will screw you over for profit, and that the few actually decent people are busy or dead. My friends have disappeared into that hole called "new family", or have been sucked into their flourishing careers in "Programming" or "Baking" or "Competitive Fisting" if that's a even a thing, while the highest point of my day is when I lie on my bed and twist my body so that the bones in my spine crack because it feels great.

And that's okay. I don't have to be successful for other people.

Now there's just a few people in the world I love and I think that's better. I feel like I'm able to love them so much because there's just a few of them, my love is concentrated and not spread out so thin by having to love many people.

And that's okay. I don't have to love and be loved by other people.

So at this point, what did I learn? I learned that I never learn. I just keep repeating the same series of mistakes. Maybe this whole point of view is a mistake.

And that's okay.

I'm embracing my flaws, something I should have done when I was 20, when I was 16, when I was 7, when my insecurities gave me a severe case of inferiority complex, which turned into a paralyzing fear of being judged by people, which then turned into a nagging need to try to please others. I'm done with worrying what I can't be, what my peers assume I'll be, what my folks hope for me to be. As my atoms rearrange, I just want to be.

Kebs.

We all know what happens with hype: a product gets too much attention (good or bad, it doesn’t really matter), our interest is piqued and we all want a piece of that product, and then the hype dies down and we all suddenly hate the product.

Bliss went through this little lifecycle. One day everybody wanted it, everybody gave the MTRCB flak for marking it with an X rating and essentially banning it from cinemas, everybody wanted for it to be shown. Now those who have seen it seem to regret seeing it, they hate it so much, they want their money back. Is hating Bliss the new hype?

If all that X-rating and intense publicity did not happen and we just watched Bliss like we would any other movie, will we still hate it so much? Is it really THAT bad?

I like Bliss. I’m not about to defend it, but here’s what I want to say: I like it as a Pinoy movie, it’s a well-thought-out story, excellently acted and smartly executed. I think it still needs improvements as a thriller. I have some ideas on how it could have been scarier, but that's just my opinion. How good and how bad Bliss is depends on what you compare it to. If you stick with recent local movies, it definitely shines. If you compare it with Korean or Hollywood thrillers, it’s a little too ambitious. But it’s an overall nice attempt, better than what we’re used to seeing.

I get why people don’t like it: it leaves an overall feeling of “That’s it???” But if you know what to look for, it’s actually almost like a little Easter egg hunt. So what do we look for? We'll look for recurring themes.

Spoilers follow.

Bliss is about a burnt out movie star, Jane, who takes on a big project which is seemingly about her life. While filming, she suffers an accident and wakes up in a lonely house, with just her husband and am abusive nurse present. She feels trapped and as days go by, she notices that the same day repeats over and over again, with just a few variations. Eventually she realizes she is stuck in a nightmare, a phobia she has had since childhood. Eventually she wakes up to a nurse raping her unconscious body.

Very simple plot right? Now let’s take a deeper look and see just how much effort they put into that simple plot. These are the reasons why I appreciate Bliss:

Bliss pays homage to Misery (being held hostage by a nurse) and maybe even Inception (being stuck in a dream state), with both movies specifically mentioned. But beyond that I think there are other movies it pays respects to, like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane (the lead character’s name is Jane, and she moves around in a wheelchair – at one point she contemplates going down the stairs in her wheelchair, a major scene in the older movie). I also see elements from Kill Bill, where the comatose Bride is molested by a medical staff and she wakes up at that pivotal moment, At one point Jane wears a bridal gown, and later on, in a violent bloodshed she kills the nurse, again reminiscent of Kill Bill's blood fiesta. But that just might be me stretching it out.

There are many recurring elements in Bliss which allude to being stuck in a dream. The dilemma is that Jane realizes she is dreaming the same day over and over again, a perpetual loop of events that she can’t seem to escape from. This circular process is visible in clues – little "circles" - peppered throughout the film:

The trailer actually said "Time is a circle".
The talent agency where Jane auditioned as a child is called “Circuit”.
Jane’s hit song includes the lyrics “Ikot nang ikot nang ikot”.
Every time Jane wakes up, the first thing she sees is a smoke detector mounted on the ceiling, a circular object.
A perpetual motion paperweight in the director’s office also appears in Jane’s dream, its metal loops endlessly turning.
The books in Jane’s room include one entitled “Loops”.

Now going beyond the physical/visual circles, Rose Madlangbayan, the rapist nurse, was herself sexually abused as a child – this cycle of abuse is in itself a circle.

A fellow movie enthusiast observed that the movie did not seem to care about twists – there were no attempts to hide Jane’s dream state. It becomes obvious early on. And I agree:

The first time Jane wakes up to have breakfast, she can’t taste her coffee - in our dreams our senses don't always work properly - an early indication that something is off. Later on, she stabs her own leg with a knife and doesn’t feel the pain.
One of the books on Jane’s shelf is entitled “Prison Dream”.
Aside from Jane discussing her phobia of being trapped in a dream, a “brain expert” guy discusses dreams in a documentary.
Jane’s co-star tells her that she needs a totem so she can differentiate her reality from her dreams.
Jane supposedly wakes up in a quiet house to recover, but her mother, husband and director keep showing up at a hospital - this disconnect is a big clue.

The above observations seem to answer people who see the movie as predictable: there was no concealment to begin with.

Jane’s dream environment is built around her memories and is affected by external stimulus that her comatose body picks up:

The house where Jane wakes up to recover is where they shot her film.
Aside from the perpetual motion paperweight, Jane in the dream also drinks from the same coffee mug seen in her director’s office before she had her accident.
In her dream state, Jane smells something burning, which turns out to be her director’s cigarette smoke when he visits her in the hospital.
She also keeps smelling lotion – turns out her nurse uses the same lotion when she violates her comatose body.
The conversations she has with the people in her dream are one way (her mom and her director just keep on talking and do not respond to her statements) – because they are actually just talking to her unconscious body, and as she hears their voices her mind works it into her dream.
The sprinklers turn on in her dream – in reality it’s raining outside.
In the dream, Jane starts to float from her bed – in real life she is having an orgasm.

Another probable theme, which was observed by a fellow cinephile (thanks Sir) is bad mothers:

Jane’s mother is greedy and selfish and doesn’t really care about Jane, she only cares about her earnings.
Rose’s mother becomes physically violent when she fails her audtion.
A neighbor, a supposed maternal figure, swoops in and sexually abuses Rose.
Emma, Jane’s PA whom her husbad got pregnant, wants an abortion (I don’t condemn abortion, it’s her choice, but if the only reason she wants an abortion is because her boyfriend will "kill" her, that’s just shallow and irresponsible).

I’m echoing a note made by another reviewer: the whole theme might be an awakening – a sexual one. While Jane is a straight female, she is unable to achieve orgasm with a man, she needs to touch herself. However, the final scene shows Jane waking up from an orgasm brought about by another woman, Rose.

I also like how the dream version of Rose, Lilibeth, is always shown carrying a vase of dead flowers – could this be an allusion to her attraction to Jane’s dead (comatose) flower? The final scene, where Jane catches Rose eating her out, is cut before Jane could react. Does Jane reject Rose? Or does she embrace the new dimension to her sexuality?

Bliss is self-aware (and not blissfully ignorant) of itself, and blatantly so:

The movie director, Lexter, has high ambitions of getting into Cannes and snobs the Metro Manila Film Fest - they probably already know how the movie will be received locally?
Jane says she needs to get a trophy after the movie is done – and she does so in real life.
The Assistant Director, after getting verbally abused by the director, puts into words what everyone probably thinks – “Akala naman niya, tatanggapin sa Cannes itong kabaduyan niya.”

So many lines from the film seem to anticipate audience reaction:

The director, frustrated with the pace of his workers, keeps screaming “This is a nightmare!”
Jane, realizing she’s trapped, whispers “Puta, eto na naman,” and later on screams “Palabasin nyo ako dito!”
The director is being mean to his Assistant Director. Out of the blue he says “Gerry, ‘disappointment’ is an overrated word for you” to which he answes, without missing a beat, “Thank you Direk.”

The running gags in the movie are also a nice touch. The Director’s assistant just can’t seem to get his beverages right. She served cold coffee and got a tongue-lashing. Then she served warm juice and got dismissed. Finally she is seen, in a split-second shot, spitting into the director’s drink. It happened so quickly, now I’m not really sure if it really happened.

For me, the best clue to this movie’s self-awareness is demonstrated with Jane’s story about her childhood nightmare: her mother holds a box and tells her it’s empty, but Jane is obsessed by the idea of opening it. She searches for the key, and in her frustration, stabs her mother with it. When she gets to open the box, it is empty, just as her mother said.

The moviemakers did not promise us anything. Even as the story unfolds, they did not give us any indication that there's something more for us. They basically told us the box is empty. As moviegoers, we looked out for twists, assigned meaning to events, searched for a deeper experience. As the credits roll we ask, “Yun na yun???”

Because the box is empty, just like they said.

Thanks to the peopleI I watched the film with and discussed with. Dami kong na-pick-up!
Poster image from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6608136/

Hindi ako masyadong mahilig sa superhero movies (except X-Men, because X-Men). Nakatulugan ko sa sinehan sina Batman, Iron Man, Captain America, at yung pagsasanib-pwersa nila ng mga Avengers. Pati nga si Logan, nakatu-Logan ko rin. Hindi dahil sadyang komportable ako sa sinehan. Kapag lumipas na ang intrigue at puro na lang sabugan at hampasan ng mukha, nakakatulog na ako around 2/3 ng pelikula.

Iba itong Wonder Woman - nakatulog ako sa bandang 3/4.

Spoilers ahead. Nga pala HINDI ITO MOVIE REVIEW!

Namulat si Diana (played by Gal Gadot) sa kwento ng Nanay nya na siya ay hinugis lamang sa putik at binigyang buhay ng hininga ni Zeus. Nakatira sila sa isang lihim na isla na puro mga Amazona lamang ang nakatira - no boys allowed.

Pinili nilang manirahan sa islang ito dahil nag-away away ang mga Gods sa simula. Ngunit matapos ang ilang negosasyon, ito'y matapos na mag-disperse sila, pagkatapos nito, ah, hindi na sila nag-away, nag-away sila sa simula, pagkatapos nito'y nagkaroon na sila ng, ah, pag-aaway na sa simula (channeling my Michael Fajatin storytelling skills here).

Basta yan na yung back story. Sabi ng Nanay ni Diana, Hindi ka pwedeng mag-training as a fighter, I forbid it! Ang pagkaka-intindi yata ni Diana sa salitang "forbid" ay "encourage" dahil kung ano ang finorbid ng Nanay nya ay siya namang ginawa nya. Samakatwid, nagkaroon ng isang training montage to illustrate na nag-training siya sa simula, pagkatapos nito'y nagkaroon na sila ng, ah, pag-training na sa simula.

Gustong-gusto ni Diana na magtraining bilang mandirigmang Amazona dahil 1) Wala naman syang ibang career choice sa isla nila and 2) yung kwento ng Nanay nya about Ares, the God of War, na isang threat sa kanilang isla, ay tunay na inspiring. Ramdam ni Diana na dapat nyang puksain si Ares.

Sabi rin ng Nanay ni Diana huwag na huwag nyang gagalawin ang "God Killer", ang tanging espada na makakapuksa sa kaaway nilang God of War na si Ares. Hindi raw para sa kanya yun para pakialaman pa.

One day may nag-crash na eroplano mala-Lost (yung TV series) at niligtas ni Diana yung piloto. Matapos ang konting pag-aaway nga sa simula (SHET DI KO NA MAALIS SI MICHAEL FAJATIN) nalaman nila sa pilotong yun kung ano ang tunay na nagyayari sa outside world: the war. Not just a war, but the war to end all wars. Merong konting war nga sa simula.

Sure na sure si Diana, kagagawan ni Ares ang gyerang ito, at kailangan nyang sumama sa pilotong si Steve (played by Chris ~~HemsworthEvansPratt~~ Pine) pabalik sa outside world para tapusin ang gyera. Pero bago ang lahat, sinilipan muna ni Diana si Steve, bale first time nyang makakita ng etits.

Sabi ng Nanay ni Diana, "Nope not gonna happen I forbid it" so syempre alam na, yun mismo ang ginawa ni Diana. At yung kabilin-bilinan nyang "God Killer" na sword na huwag papakialaman? Yun lang ang binitbit ni Diana.

So what follows are "fish out of water" scenes kung saan nanibago si Diana sa mundo ng mga normal na tao at chinallenge nya ang existing norms and fashion choices and you get the drill. Before you know it, papunta na sila sa war!

May nadaanan silang mga war victims doon tapos may tinatawag na No Man's Land kasi walang makatawid doon sa area na yun dahil bantay sarado yun ng mga Germans, so kahit gustuhin nilang iligtas ang mga civilians doon, hindi nila magawa. Sabi ni Steve kay Diana, You can' go there, I forbid it.

"Watch me whip" sabi ni Wonder Woman sabay labas ng latigo.

So yun lakad sya sa putikan pero hindi sya napuputikan. Samantalang ang mga hamak na tagalupa sumakay lang sa MRT sandali, paglabas ng tren hulas hulas na. Si Wonder Woman, hindi pumapangit. Parang kahit subukan nyang pumangit hindi nya kaya.

Konting effort lang ubos na ni Wonder Woman yung mga kalaban. Dito yung part na medyo nilalabanan ko na ang antok. Syempre biglang magkakaroon ng party, at kahit inaasikaso nila yung gyera, kailangan pa rin nilang umattend. Dito nakilala ni Diana yung isang high ranking sundalo at malakas ang kutob nya na yun si Ares, God of War, who is trying to sow ill will and discord among people.

So may habulan bugbugan and female empowerment. Lilipad sa ere ang sipa ni Wonder Woman sabay zoom in sa eyes, tapos slow-mo, tapos may sasapakin sya tapos zoom-in sa lips, tapos hair flip. Tapos kapag patay na yung kalaban, strike a pose.

Then na-corner na ni Diana yung sundalo tapos sinaksak nya tapos strike a pose, tapos wala naman nangyari, may gyera pa rin at kasamaan sa mundo?

Ito yung huling naaalala ko. Nung nagising ako, patay na si Steve!

And then nalaman ni Diana na yung isa palang sundalo rin na tumutulong sa kanila, siya pala talaga si Ares, God of War. At yung "God Killer" na espadang pinagmamalaki ni Diana, dinurog lang ni Ares in seconds, diretso sa junkshop. It's obvious, ang God Killer ay si Diana, dahil anak sya ni Zeus!

"Wait so you mean yung sabi ng Nanay ko na nag-blow si Zeus sa putik at nabuhay ako, hindi totoo?"

"Nag-blow si Zeus pero hindi sa putik wink-wink."

Tapos ayun na labanan na sila ng liwanag. Eto yung part ng movie na mga energies in the form of light na lang ang naglalaban tapos may sasabog na something. In this case, ang nakapagpasabog kay Ares, God of War, ay ang April Boy Regino pose ni Wonder Woman.

Sana kanina mo pa yan ginawa!

So napatay na nya si Ares, tapos strike a pose, tapos wala naman nangyari, may gyera pa rin at kasamaan sa mundo? Pagkatapos nito'y nagkaroon na sila ng, ah, pag-aaway na sa simula. THE END.

Sabi nga ni Wonder Woman,

"It's not about deserve, it's something else but not deserve."

Wala lang. Bye.

Napanood ko ang trailer months ago at kahit ayokong ngumiti hindi ko napigil. Arte lang. Hindi kasi talaga ako mahilig sa love story. I'd really rather watch serial killers skinning people alive than be confronted with my own emotions (sabe?) Pero dahil natuwa ako sa napakasimpleng trailer I said, It's a Yes from me.

Ang istorya ay tungkol kay Lea at Tonyo, na sumasalamin sa istorya ng napakaraming "mismatch" couples na nakikita natin sa Facebook. Alam mo yun? Yung mga mapapaisip ka, Wow love is blind talaga. Ang ganda ni Ate mukhang dyosa tapos si Kuya, mukhang mabait. True love bes. Walang halong pretensions. Walang alarm walang anything.

SPOILERS BEGIN HERE!

Tour guide si Lea sa Japan. Proposal na lang ang hinihintay niya sa boyfriend nyang Hapon nang makatanggap sya ng isang anonymous tip at natimbog nya ang Hapon na nakikipagtukaan sa iba. Sa sobrang stress nya, nabulag sya. I don't know if this really happens in real life, kaya iiwas na lang ako sa stress kasi greatest fear ko ang blindness, next to erectile dysfunction.

So nag-aadjust si Lea sa buhay bulag. And then Tonyo enters the picture. Bagong kapitbahay sya at madalas nyang pagmasdan si Lea na nakasimangot sa garden nya. Araw-araw nyang dinadalhan ng pagkain si Lea kahit sinusungitan siya. Hanggang sa nahulog na ang loob ni Lea sa kanya. Siguro it helps na bulag sya? Is this the point of the story?

So they got closer, pasyal-pasyal sila sa Japan (both of them jobless by the way so I'm not sure where the unlimited funds are coming from, ito ang concern ko talaga). Muling nahanap ni Lea ang saya niya, so nawala ang stress nya. As a result, bumalik ang paningin nya. Sakto naman right that very moment, the first thing she sees is Tonyo... na nasagasaan ng ten-wheeler truck or something.

OK so he died. Tragic diba.

And then here we go sa second half ng pelikula, ang point of view ni Tonyo. Tulad ni Lea, brokenhearted rin sya at ang lupasay moments nya ay humantong na sa homeless person levels. Personally, ikinakatakot ko itong mangyari sa akin. Paano kung di ko namamalayan palaboy na pala ako sa kalye dahil lang sa pag-ibig? Ang baho ko na nun, baka ang maging movie ko ay Amoy Kita.

Nakakatawa right... until it happens to you.

Matagal na palang inii-stalk ni Tonyo si Lea. Siya yung anonymous whistleblower sa extra-curricular actvities ng boyfriend ni Lea na Hapon. Siya yung nakasama ni Lea na naglasing in a banana costume (ang saging ay sumasagisag sa... saging I guess). At siya yung homeless person na binibigyan ni Lea palagi ng food. And all this exposition via a conveniently placed love letter.

Hala tulo ang luha ni Lea oh. Di ako naiyak I swear to God hindi talaga yuck ha. Sus. Wala, hindi talaga Bimb. Fuck you.

Ang ending, binalikan ni Lea lahat ng lugar na pinasyalan nila. Somehow hindi nya makita ang ganda nila, until she puts on a blindfold, at doon nya naramdaman ang presence ni Tonyo. Then we all realize, minsan nasa harap na natin hindi natin pinapansin. Kapag hindi natin nakikita, saka natin nararamdaman. Sabeee.

Liked:

All the subdued pastel colors - para kang nanonood ng isang mahabang Instagram video na may faded filter.

Lea's character - masusubaybayan mo kung paano siya na-develop kay Tonyo.

Alessandra de Rossi - she's infectious. Just when you thought nakita mo na lahat ng pwede nyang i-offer and she's a bit old for the role, here she is looking all cute. You just can't help but smile when she laughs (candidly I assume) sa mga ad-lib jokes ni Empoy

Empoy - surprisingly likeable. OK lang sa akin yung humor nya on TV, which he somehow brought to this movie at an acceptable level. You can almost always tell when he's ad-libbing. I think the strength of this acting is his gameness to play this "ugly guy" role. He really embraced it pero hindi naging degrading sa kanyang pagkatao. Nabanggit ko nga you can almost see in him yung mga guys sa Facebook na binabash dahil napakaganda ng kanilang GF - mga members ng www.gayuma.com

Simple Plot - nothing unncessary was added onto it. Not even yung sister ni Lea, na magpahanggang sa huli ay nanatiling boses lamang sa phone. Walang extra people and extra storylines. Next to Tonyo and Lea, ang major character na siguro eh yung bartender.

Satisfying ending - since inevitably tragic ang kanilang love story, at least nagkaroon si Lea ng quiet moments sa pagbabalik nya sa mga lugar na pinasyalan nila to reminisce, and we the audience are given some time to take it all in as well.

Didn't like:

Yung Count-to-ten! I agree na kapag galit ka, bumilang ka hanggang sampu bago magsalita para mapag-isipan mo ang mga sasabihin mo at hindi ka makasakit ng kapwa (I agree but I don't do it especially since ang goal ko ay masaktan si kapwa). Ngunit hindi ako agree dun sa actual na pagbibilang with meaning attributed sa bawat number, like "Anim - anim na beses kong pinigil ang ihi ko noong gabing yun dahil ayaw kong mawala ka sa paningin ko kahit sandali" something like that. It's too... I don't know... it's the stuff of high school love letters. I should know kasi nagawa ko rin yang kalandiang love letter na yan noon. Sampu - sampung beses akong nag-cringe.

Two Less Lonely People In The World - for a movie whose strength is its subtletly, biglang full blast ang awiting ito. Not for me I guess. Pero hindi naman nakasira. Nag-stick out lang.

Tonyo's character - although I'm not sure kung ilang percent si Tonyo and ilang percent si Empoy - it feels like they built the character just for him - nakakaaliw si Tonyo dahil sa pagka-Empoy nya. Puta, first time pa lang ipakita si Tonyo si screen, wala pang linya, lumingon pa lang, nagtawanan na ang mga tao eh.

My problem is, you'll have to think, patulan kaya ni Lea si Tonyo kung hindi sya nabulag? Did he take advantage of her blindness? Is this tantamount to emotional rape?

Things happen just like that - sa bilis at simple ng plot, may mga bagay na nangyayari na lang basta-basta, nothing is explained. Nabulag si Lea. Nasagasaan si Tonyo, (which by the way felt too contrived for me - iniwan nya si Lea - si Lea na bulag - mag-isa sa sidewalk, may binili sya sa kabilang side ng kalsada, tapos nung patawid na sya pabalik kay Lea, saka sya nasagasaan - sana hindi nya na iniwan si Lea para di na nya kailangang tumawid pabalik right?) But what do I know though. I'm just a viewer.

Honestly nagustuhan ko itong movie. LOVED. IT. BES. Huli kong naramdaman ang ganitong pagkagusto noong napanood ko yung movie na may Arrow with a vagina pierced through it or something. Mas gusto ko ito.

Thanks Kids bye see you next post ko next quarter.

Swear, nung una kong nabasa yung title akala ko Ang Pamilyang Hindi Lumuluwa. So swallowers sila ganyan. Lumuluha pala, my bad. Lahat kasi ng makita ko nagagawan ko ng kabastusan. Talent ko na sya. Tapos yung movie still na nakita ko, si Ate Shawie nagbabalat ng onions. So ang hula kong plot nito, walang tear ducts si Ate Shawie and magiging challenge sa kanya ang pag-acting dahil hindi sya pwedeng umiyak to convey emotion ganyan-ganyan. Mali ako uli.

OK seryoso na ako, this is my serious face.

SPOILERS

May empty nest syndrome si Cora (Sharon Cuneta) matapos magsilisan ang mga anak nya na may total of 60 seconds screentime combined, at yun eh matapos pa syang iwan ng asawa nya na may total of 2 seconds screen time. Mag-isa syang namumuhay sa isang bahay na depressing lagi ang atmosphere. Samahan pa ng flashbacks ng kanyang failed career. Sa kanyang pangungulila, naging kakampi nya ang alak. I think half of this film, lasing siya.

Hanggang sa dumating sa buhay nya si Bebang (Moi Bien), isang kasambahay na mas efficient sa pagbitaw ng punchlines keysa sa pagperform ng actual household chores. Sa katagalan naging karamay na rin ni Cora si Bebang sa kanyang pangungulila at naging kasama nya na rin sa inuman.

Naalala ni Cora ang isang kwento sa bayan nila tungkol sa isang pamilya na hindi lumuluha. Literal na hindi sila umiiyak kahit ilang sibuyas ang hiwain sa harap nila. May dalang milagro ang pamilyang ito sa kung sino man ang taong magpapatuloy sa kanilang tahanan. Sa kagustuhan ni Cora na magsibalik ang kanyang pamilya, naniwala sya sa milagrong ito. Sa tulong ni Bebang at ng tiyuhin nya (Nino Muhlach) hinanap nila at binuo ang pamilyang hindi lumuluha.

Right off the bat may napansin na si Cora na kakaiba sa pamilyang ito. Tigtatlong araw sila kung matulog. May mga ritwales silang parang dalawang kandila na lang ang kulang eh Satan party na. Tapos yung anak nilang si Kiko Matos, he seemed up to no good. And soon enough nalaman ni Cora ang lihim na itinatago ng pamilya.

Hindi ko na bubuuin ang kwento para panoorin nyo muna sa commercial run itong Cinemalaya entry na ito, pero magbibigay na ako ng feedback:

I LIKED
Yung supernatural elements! More folklore more fun. My only wish is sana nadagdagan pa ng ganitong dimension yung istorya, tutal doon na rin naman sya nagsimula, para naging mas magical and heartbreaking yung ending. The opening sequence set the tone, pero tingin ko medyo nasubdue sya dahil nanatili sa realistic plane ang kwento.

Yung deadpan ni Bebang! First time kong napanood si Moi Bien and nakakaaliw siya. Hindi naman yata siya umaacting, pakiramdam ko ganun talaga siya, kasi ganun rin sya magsalita nung inintroduce sila ng cast at director sa na-attendan kong block screening. Perfect sa kanya yung role kasi sakto yung delivery nya ng mga linyang sinulat para sa character nya.

Yung maldtia side ni Ate Shawie, na hindi ko madalas mapanood. Yung pagka-campy baliw-baliwan nya. May scene na naulinigan niya si Bebang na nagsusumbong sa nanay nya tungkol sa amo nya, pero imbes na magalit, sumenyas lang sya ng gunshot. Shoutout ba to sa bashers? LOL. Sana, minaximum nila yung kabaliwan, tutal nandun na rin naman siya. Yung no explanations, baliw lang talaga. Riot yun. For some reason, yung character ni Cora made me think of Meryl Streep sa Death Becomes Her or Eugene Domingo sa Zombadings.

Yung tanong na naiwan sa isip ko: may lugar ba ang mga alamat, kwentong bayan, myth, sabi-sabi, etc sa modern times? Sa panahon ngayon, mali ba ang sumugal sa superstition? I need answers kasi I'm about to check with an albularyo soon, pakiramdam ko may nagpapakulam sa akin kaya ako nagka-pimples (no joke, post soon).

I DIDN'T LIKE
Nakakabitin. Pakiramdam ko, may mga tinanggal na parte ng kwento kaya bigla itong natapos. Siguro mas naging kumpleto sya kung naextend pa ng konti yung ending.

Sudden shift ng emosyon. Kung tama ang suspetsa ko na may mga nawawalang parte ng kwento, ito ang magpapaliwanag kung bakit biglang bumaligtad ang mundo ni Cora sa final revelation.

Swift resolution. Sa huling eksena nasolusyunan lahat ng problema ni Cora. Hindi ko tuloy sigurado kung gawa ba ito ng milagro or hindi naman nya talaga ito problema in the first place. I think it might also work kung hindi sya happy ending. I think fans are ready for sad endings.

Siguro naging mas makulay ang kwento kung nagkaroon ng journey sina Cora at Bebang para hanapin ang pamilyang hindi lumuluha imbes na ipahanap kay Nino Muhlach. Or what if baligtad ang characters nila, si Bebang ang amo at si Cora ang kasambahay? Pwede diba?

To sum it all up, maganda at masaya ang pelikula ngunit hindi perpekto. Maraming posibilidad na hindi na naisakatuparan. Siguro kung naging mas tight ang kwento, mas mairerekomenda ko ito hindi lang sa lahat fans ni Sharon Cuneta kundi para sa masa.

Patay na si Hesus guysttt. Balita ko binash ang movie title sa Facebook sa basis ng... title lang. Blasphemous daw! Sinumbong pa nga kay Digong. Nung una kong nakita ang poster I was like OK here's a Filipino comedy movie that deals with senakulo and stuff which will push the boundaries and will shake the very foundations of Christianity. Buti na lang I used my God-given right to THINK AGAIN and naisip ko Ah baka ibang Hesus to, because as we all know Jesus is a pretty common name, in fact it's the 347th most popular boy name in the US. (I Googled)

Sa office nga namin merong Jesus eh but he spells it as Jess because he's gay (according to him).

SPOILERSTTT mga besssttt.

If I see Jaclyn Jose in another impoverished/drug related role I'm gonna shit, buti na lang ang role nya dito ay isang normal nanay na hiwalay na sa asawa nyang si Hesus, whose role is to be dead. When Jaclyn learns that her estranged husband suddenly died, she had to break the news to their three children and haul their asses from Dumaguete to Cebu (or Cebu to Dumaguete ba yun?) to attend the libing.

Nagdadalawang-isip ang tatlo niyang anak kung dadalo ba sila sa grand finale ng lamay kasi wala naman silang nararamdamang grief para sa yumaong ama, na ang tanging contribution lamang sa kanilang buhay ay sperm. Ang hindi nila alam, ang road trip na ito ay hindi talaga para sa kanilang ama kundi para marediscover nila ang kanilang pamilyang nagsisimula nang magwatak-watak.

Hindi ako magkukwento dahil simple lang naman ang plot: road trip, may challenges, dumating sila sa lamay, umuwi. Ang tunay na strength ng pelikulang ito ay nasa little moments. Yes nakakatawa, lalo na ang mga puki jokes. HELLO THAT IS MY TURF. Nakakatawa ang characters, lalo na yung tiyahin nilang madreng baliw (that holy water scene is the best!). Nais ko lamang idagdag na yung madreng baliw ay nasa pelikulang Zombadings rin bilang baliw na policewoman (sobrang tawang-tawa ako sa kanya dun lalo sa scene na "Shi Mang Berting, pupunta ba sha sa hell?").

Kung weak man ang plot (by the way bakit tayo maghahangad ng komplikadong plot, title nga ang simple at straightforward lang eh like patay na si Hesus say what now) at ang strength ay nasa characters and dialogue, ang tunay na takeaway sa pelikula, para sa akin, ay forgiveness. Sabi? May ganun akong thoughts?

Sa daan nila naencounter ang kanya-kanyang challenges, heartbreak at revelations, but all of it leads to one thing: forgiveness. Bawat character ay sinubok, at bawat isa ay nagpatawad. Hala? Did I just say that? May sanib ba ako?

Also, is there anything Jaclyn Jose can't do? Deliver kung deliver mapa-comedy, light drama, heavy drama, bold (I think nag-bold siya nung 80s o guni-guni ko lang yun?)

Inererekomenda ko ang pelikula na ito na panoorin kapag may patay, during lamay. Para masaya guysssttt!

OK yun lang masasabi ko sa Patay na si Hesussstttt.

Bye?

So sa office, pagpatak ng 6AM kamay sa dibdib na agad at unahan sa elevator diretso sa exit para abangan yung isang ka-carpool namin pauwi. But there are days na naka-VL yung car owner (si Russell, 6-ft in height, long-hair hanggang beywang), at nade-Depress™ talaga kami kasi ang hirap kumuha ng taxi from Makati going to Visayas Ave tapos may dalawang stops on the way. Grab and Uber are both overpriced kapag ganitong oras, so minabuti naming mag-taxi upang hindi na namin danasin ang hirap ng ating mga kababayang nagtitiis sa MRT sa umaga.

Kaso madalas, tumatanggi ang mga taxi drivers, o kaya nanghihingi ng dagdag, o kaya papayag siya pero may passive-aggressive shit lines like "Tsk tsk tsk ang daming bababa ~BUNTONG-HININGA~." HMPFT. So it's not a good day kapag wala kaming carpool, Depressed™kaming tunay.

One hot morning, it's another NOT GOOD DAY. Naka-vacation leave uli si Russell so we're anticipating choosy/moody/irate drivers. We're wrong! Yung unang napara namin at nasakyan, pumayag agad. At hindi lang yun, very accomodating pa siya like "Sir ituro nyo na lang po kung saan bababa yung iba". Sana maraming katulad niya.

The next day was another Depressing™ day. Sana maubusan na ng VL si carpool officemate Russell. We expected the worst uli but no. Masayahin yung nasakyan namin. Walang asim, walang Bitterness®, walang alarm walang anything. Puro ♥♥♥sweetness♥♥♥lang. More music trip lang siya. Hindi ko lang masyado magustuhan yung music nya like yung original version ng Papa Cologne (pero parang French or Spanish or whatever) at saka yung kantang Run Samson Run Delilah is Coming to Town whatever. Sige na lang, at least hindi kami sinungitan on this hot morning.

In conclusion, in light of recent events like Taxis vs Grab and Uber issue and yung mga taxi drivers gone wild caught on cam, I think it had a good effect in general because they started behaving as in "all eyes on me" behave, which can only mean good for the riding public.

The next day, naka-VL pa rin si carpool officemate but we have a good feeling sa mga taxi. Ang kasama ko ay sina Raymund (edad 30 pataas, athletic build, laging naka-tuck in) at si Mary Carol (edad 44; overweight; ang nickname nya ay Tirrah Curls). Haixt. Alam mo yung hihinto sa harap mo tapos bubuksan ang bintana, tapos kapag sinabi namin "Visayas Ave" eh biglang magmememake-face like similar to constipation, or ngingiwi na para bang diring-diri sa sinabi namin, or biglang roll-eyes sabay alis.Yung first two taxis na pinara namin they chose to be choosy... so nung may huminto at pumayag, sumakay na kami agad.

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK!!!

Hindi pa sumasayad ang pwet ko sa seat, I immediately knew we made a big mistake. Nagkatinginan kami ni Mary Carol at sa pamamagitan ng aking mga mata nai-communicate ko sa kanya na WE MADE A ~BIG~ MISTAKE: ang baho ng taxi.

Pagkaupo ni Raymund sa harap, ang una nyang sinabi ay "Tirrah Curls meron ka bang alcohol" which means he can smell what we can smell. Hindi namin ito guni-guni.

Just to give you an idea kung ano ang amoy: it smells like dead fish na naresurrect after three days ngunit namatay muli. Amoy natuyong dugo at laway at mucus and other bodily fluids. Amoy lower echelon. Amoy gates of hell.

Actually I asked my friend Dante Alighieri because nakapunta na sya sa hell and diniscribe ko sa kanya yung amoy ng taxi and he was like You know what though, mas mabango pa sa dun inferno so fuck that.

Hindi na kami makababa kasi nakakahiya na kay Manong driver. Tahimik lang si Manong. Hindi nya kami tinanong kung "OK ba kayo guyze? Everything alright? Nakakahinga ba kayo nang mabuti?"

Inisprayhan ko agad ng Nenuco Baby Cologne yung bag ko sabay niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit para yun lang ang maamoy ko pero wala, hindi mapakiusapan yung amoy. Si Mary Carol sumasakit na ang ulo. Si Raymund kumakanta, ng Papa Cologne para siguro mabaling sa iba ang atensyon niya.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Mary Carol at nangusap ang mga mata. No words.

Saan galing ang amoy?
I don't know. Check mo nga kung may bangkay sa sahig.
Anong gagawin natin?
Sabihin mo kay Manong.
Ayoko!

"Sana makatulog ako at paggising ko, Quezon City na" sabi ko out loud. Hindi ko masabi kay Manong na parusa ang bawat paghinga, masakit talaga sa ilong, gumuguhit. Kapag sa bibig naman ako huminga, parang nalalasahan ko siya? WTF nasa Paseo de Roxas pa lang kami!

~Ubo~Ubo~ si Mary Carol, nakalawit na yung dila nya tapos lumuluha na siya. Pakiramdam ko susuka sya any moment eh.

"Tirrah Curls, paki-sprayhan mo nga ng cologne ito" sabi ni Raymund sabay abot ng panyo niya. Hindi na rin nya kinakaya ang mga kaganapan.

Walang tinag si Manong.

Madalian kong in-analyze ang sitwasyon ni Manong Driver. Hindi nya alintana ang amoy. Parang wala lang. Hindi nya alintana ang pagdurusa namin. Hindi nya alintana ang traffic. Hindi nya alintana ang lahat! Samakatwid animo'y kebs sya sa buhay in general.

Naisip ko tuloy, hindi bago ang amoy na ito kay Manong. Nasanay na siya, kaya malamang noon pa ito, baka since 2006. And what's sad is... baka sanay na siya sa ganung amoy hanggang pag-uwi sa bahay... baka it's not any better. Nakakalungkot ito. Let's not judge.

For his own benefit at sa mga susunod pang pasahero, gusto kong kausapin si Manong nang masinsinan, "Kyah, may dapat kang malaman. May nag-iwan ng hindi magandang amoy sa iyong taxi at hindi ito kaaya-aya sa mga pasahero. Baka ito ay makaapekto sa iyong paghahanapbuhay. Pag-isipan mo ito." Ngunit minabuti kong tumahimik na lamang dahil tuwing ibubuka ko ang bibig ko, pumapasok agad ang amoy at para akong kinukuryente sa ulo.

Pero sa kabilang banda, hindi ko na matiis. Kailangan kong makaisip ng solusyon agad-agad. Para hindi naman mapahiya si Manong driver may naisip akong paraan. "Naku Raymund parang nilalagnat si Mary Carol. Tingin ko aabsent ito mamaya."

~Ubo-Ubo~ pa rin si Mary Carol pero sumisenyas sa akin ng GAGO KA.

"Huwag kang aabsent Tirrah Curls masisira ang attendance record natin." Nalimutan ko palang banggitin, team lead ni Mary Carol si Raymund.

Nilagay ko ang palad ko sa malapad na noo ni Mary Carol at sabing "Hala mainit ka na nilalagnat ka na nga. Raymund, giniginaw na si Mary Carol, pwede ba pakipatay ang aircon?"

"Kyah, patayin natin aircon ha?" sabi ni Raymund. Tulo pa rin ang luha ni Mary Carol.

Finally: "Raymund, mainit pala kapag walang aircon, what if... BUKSAN NA LANG NATIN ANG BINTANA!!!1"

"Kyah, buksan natin ang bintana huh" sabi ni Raymund. As expected kebs lang si Kuya kaya unahan kaming tatlo sa pag-roll ng windows para papasukin ang smoky, polluted, Pasig River scented Guadalupe morning air. It felt like heaven, naappreciate ko talaga. Nilanghap namin lahat ng polusyon hanggang makababa.

In conclusion, ubos na ang VL ni Russell. The End.

Bye.

Hey Kids! I’ve been helping a friend out with programming (as in Java, Visual Basic) because he needs the basic concepts and I happen to have had a little training back in my college days ten years ago. All our discussions refreshed my knowledge and reopened old interests but also reminded me of the fact that I am really not into programming. I’d really rather design the interface than type codes that don't even work.

What’s fascinating is how the definition of the word “programming” has evolved for me over the years. When I was in school I instantly associated “programming” with moody instructors, tedious classes, draining exams and dreaded group projects, which all came with anxiety. So from an IT student exerting 100% effort yet barely making it above the passing mark, programming is hell.

Ten years after I completely veered off the IT career path so when I hear the word “programming”, to me it now means setting my cable box to automatically record The Walking Dead while I slept so I can watch it later, or setting my phone app such that it only rings when I get notifications from certain contacts.

Yesterday though, some events gave “programming” a new definition for me. Story time!

I was brushing my teeth in front of the sink and happened to look at the fluorescent lamp above it. I suddenly remembered the time when I replaced the bulb after it burned out, noting how difficult it was to replace. After that I took a shower. As I rinsed shampoo off my hair I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, it was all dark. The fluorescent bulb burned out. Coincidence?

A few months ago I saw the trailer for Mindhunter, an Netflix crime series. When I realized it won’t be released and I’ll have to wait a few months for it, I completely forgot all about it. OneSaturday I suddenly remembered Mindhunter, and out of curiosity I searched for it, only to discover it was released the day before. Is this also just coincidence?

At first I thought these are some paranormal phenomena shit but I asked a few friends and they have a logical explanation for it: programming. The human brain works in mysterious ways, so mysterious that the brain itself doesn’t know how it works. Our brain stores information and we don’t even know we have it in the deeper levels of our memory. When I first saw the Mindhunter trailer, before dismissing the whole thing, my brain probably stored the release date (a Friday) for me, and then reminded me on the very day (a Saturday) which my brain knows is my most ideal day to binge shows.

The same thing with the light bulb. My brain probably calculated how much time is left in its life span when I first installed it, anticipated the date, and reminded me of it on that exact day. It’s a stretch but I want to believe this is how the brain truly works, and it’s amazing.

Come to think of it, the brain is a computer. So this amazing thing that it does, isn’t this programming? Isn’t this what programs are designed to do? Store data, calculate, send us notifications for our convenience?

More examples? I had a friend who wanted to diet, so every time he craves for food, he brushes his teeth. His reasoning? He always brushes his teeth after meals, so his brain associates brushing with feeling full. So even if he feels hungry, he brushes his teeth, and suddenly feels full. It works, because of years and years of conditioning.

But the brain is too smart. Yes it learns, but it doesn’t stop learning. Because he brushes his teeth when he is hungry, his brain eventually associated brushing with hunger. So after meals when he needs to brush his teeth, he feels hungry again. So he eats again. The brain is too smart you can’t make it cheat itself.

This is conditioning, which I still want to associate with programming.

I used to have a special song I use as an alarm clock ring. It’s upbeat, reminds me of a beach party. Every time I wake up to this song I force myself out of the bed and into the shower, but the song puts me in a good mood and makes the daily ordeal bearable, despite feeling sleepy. But eventually my brain got used to the song and turned it against itself. It reversed the effect so bad, so that whenever I hear the song randomly, even when I'm fully awake, I suddenly get sleepy and groggy.

We don’t know how the brain works, it just works. These conditioning, programming “hacks” make our brains work for us in ways we don’t often realize or appreciate. Conditioning, association, programming, whatever this is called, it's cool.

So to end this, here’s another story!

I use a different ringtone for urgent notifications I don’t want to miss. It’s a very unusual song, something you don’t hear on the local radio. I only hear it on Spotify. When I sleep I hook my phone up to external speakers and play nature music (rain, crickets, bonfire sounds), it’s really relaxing, but when I get an urgent notification, the ringtone plays in full blast through the speakers and instantly wakes me up. Sometimes I wake up from deep sleep to 100% wakefulness that I get a headache afterwards.

One time I was about to sleep, I played random music on Spotify, but put the volume really really low, and dozed off. After a few hours, for seemingly no reason, I suddenly woke up with a fucking headache. Why? The song I use as my urgent ringtone was playing on Spotify. Despite the volume being really really low, my brain recognized the song, woke me up, and gave me a headache to complete the experience.

Hey Kids. Last December a friend asked me how long I have been blogging, so I counted, and it was only then that I realized I have been doing this for ten years now. That’s one-third of my life so far. I was taken aback both by the amazing length and seeming shortness of it. So I want my first post for the year to be a quick look back.

Writing stories, both real and fictional, came to me like a hobby ever since I was young, so when I discovered blogging I felt like I found an outlet. I didn’t realize it will be a lifelong activity and will pave the way for me to meet lots of people. I didn’t immediately realize how much blogging will help me then, and how much it will help me now.

When I started blogging, there was a community back then. We made friends. We followed each other. We read what everybody else wrote. We held meetups. It’s amazing how you meet someone for the first time but feel like you’ve known them for years, and have them say the same about you, only because you both follow each other’s blogs. I made a lot of friends, some of them I’m still friends with up to now. We used to watch movies together, went out of town, went on joyrides. We used to attend parties and then get some coffee while talking about other bloggers.

They don’t blog any more. And some aren’t friends anymore.

I met my “landlord” through blogging. He was a fond reader back then and made a way for us to meet personally. He kept throwing projects at me. He offered me work. He even offered his house for me to rent (and I still live there up to this day almost 7 years later). He believed in my art. He later on became my publisher and that’s how my book came to be. I owe so much to this guy, Kuya Edsel.

I want to thank everyone who read, followed, enjoyed what I had to share over the years. From the active bloggers and commenters to the lurkers, to the Facebook sharers, thank you!

Out of everything this blog gave me, the book is what I cringe at the most. I feel like I’m proud of it and deeply embarrassed by it at the same time. If you’ve read it you’ll know what I mean. And I want to do it all over again.

I’m not going to stop blogging, telling stories, retelling stories, writing fictional stories. It’s my only creative outlet where I feel I’m appreciated. Even if the people who used to read don’t have the time anymore. Even if I don’t get any comments and views as much as I used to get. Even if I keep on paying the domain I barely use. I’ll just keep writing because I have nothing else.

I feel like I have plenty more stories to share, I just couldn’t find the time and energy right now. I hope this new year allows me to be more creative and productive. I want to try new things, post new material. I hope I get to the next ten years and then look back to this point in time and see my body of work. If you’re still reading this, marami pa akong ipopost. Wait lang.

Guyst, napansin ko lang to ha? Sometimes, good employees quit even if they like their jobs so much. Why? Dahil Pakshet™ ang mga tao. Makakaya mo ang work-related stress eh. Matitiyaga mo ang third world commute. Matitiis mo nga ang indignities of Christmas party presentations. Pero dadagdagan mo ng Pakshet™ factor mula sa kaopisina mong kampon ng kadiliman ang ugali? This is an alsa-balutan type of scenario. Di bale nang mag-update muli ng joketime na resume, if it means not to deal with any unnecessary headache in human form.

On the flip side, tae-taeng employees stay even if they hate their jobs so much. Same thing. It’s the people. We build connections and relationships that sometimes replace the ones we built outside the office. Meron nga nagkakamabutihan, nagkakapalitan ng body fluids at nauuwi sa binyagan ng first baby. Bilang officemates we spend over ¾ of our waking hours in the office so minsan kahit ayaw mo, your office peeps will be all up in your face. And it’s a good thing. We build a stronger workforce if we have good working relationships. We end up staying because of the people. Sabehhh.

You know what builds relationships? Mutual blackmail, or in other words, trust, the building blocks of ❝Friendship❞. And we gain trust by giving it, which translates to I TRUST NA HINDI MO ISISIWALAT ANG MGA NALALAMAN MONG LIHIM KO DAHIL IBOBROADCAST KO RIN ANG BAHO MO. Hawag nyo sa leeg ang isa’t-sa. It’s called ❝Friendship❞, look it up.

A good example is my favorite officemate Tito Donpi. Maraming lihim si Tito Donpi na nalalaman ko. For example, akala nila sa office he’s this soft-spoken goody-two-shoes di-makabasag-pinggan type of situation, pero ako lang ang nakakaalam na given the right topic, super palamura si Tito Donpi just like the rest of us sinners. And I have receipts ready to present as evidence. Pwede akong tumawag sa church nila at ipatiwalag siya sa alarming levels ng pagmumura na namutawi sa kanya. But of course I won’t do that. We’re ❝Friends❞!

You see, this is how Tito Donpi talks to me because he trusts me na hindi ko sasabihin dun sa mga taong minura nya na minura nya sila. So kapag nakakasabay namin sila sa elevator and Tito Donpi is all sweet like “Uy hi kumusta ka na? Looking good” I just throw up in my mouth a little. Kasi nga I keep his trust.
Minsan sa tagal ng inyong pagsasama at sa lalim ng ❝Friendship❞ nyo, makakabuo na kayo ng sarili nyong dialect. Kami nga sa office we sometimes speak in Da Vinci Code levels of secrecy. Kung maririnig nyo lang ang kwentuhan namin...

Nabalitaan mo na yung bagong pelikula?
Sino bida?
Si Shrek (Sample lang, not their actual codename. Shet may substitute codename para sa codename???)
Anong title?
Nagalit Ang Buwan Sa Haba ng Gabi
Kelan yan?
Noong summer outing. Kumita sa takilya.
Wow congrats sa cast and crew. Well-deserved. Sana may part 2.

Ganyan ang usapan kasi minsan kasabay lang namin sa elevator yung persons concerned.

Bashmates ang tawag namin sa mga taong kausap sa mga cryptic conversations, see above. Sila yung yayayain mong kumuha ng tubig sa pantry pero wala kayong dalang baso, kasi may urgent kayong topic na sa water dispenser nyo lang pwedeng pagusapan. Shet kung nakakapagsalita lang ang water dispenser, ang natatanging star witness sa lahat ng uri ng pangba-bash na pinakawalan nyo at 8 in the morning EST.

Sila bashmates ang kasama mo sa isang lihim na Facebook group chat, na may pagsi-screenshots ng FB posts ng ibang officemates na siyang topic nyo hanggang weekend. Sa lahat ng bashmates ko, si Tito Donpi ang pinaka-active basher. Si Tito Donpi kasi, maraming ❝Friends❞ sa office. We all know the equation Maraming Kaibigan = Maraming Masasagap na Impormasyon. It’s good to have Tito Donpi bilang bashmate. Marami syang nalalaman, malapit na syang itumba.

Unclear pa rin ba sa iyo kung sino ang bashmate mo? Sila yung mga taong tatawagin mo kapag may pa-press conference ka tungkol sa mga nagbabagang balita. Maghahanap kayo ng malayong fast food tapos bibitinin mo yung kwento kasi dapat kompleto na kayo bago ka pa magkwento dahil ayaw mo ng paulit-ulit. Look for catchphrases like “Eto na nga” signalling na magsisimula ka na sa isang matinding round of bashing. Syempre laging may disclaimer pa like “Eto atin-atin lang ha. Pag ito lumabas, sisirain kita sa office.” Lakas makachismoso’t chismosa sa mahjongan pero aminin na natin, kapag may breaking news ang isa sa mga bashmates natin, napapa-team breakfast tayo kahit gusto nating magtipid. Dahil mas mahalaga ang impormasyon. Iba ang may alam.

Minsan yung kwentuhan eh wala lang naman, hindi naman life-changing. Pero gusto lang naman natin ng excitement. Anything to be excited about during breaks. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and it doesn’t take time away from performing your tasks. Hindi ko dinagdag ang paragraph na ito dahil nagbabasa yung isang boss ko OK? Shoutout Sir!

Minsan kabisado mo na ang sasabihin ng officemate mo you can almost finish their sentences. Halimbawa...

Si Tito Donpi, nag-evolve ang mga greetings and goodbyes. Yung standard na “Hi” nya naging “Pumayat ka, may iniinom ka no?” Ganyan siya sa amin kapag may nadetect syang ilang guhit na weight loss, triggered sya. Minsan pagdating mo pa lang ganyan na ang bungad nya sayo. Ang standard na "Ingat" naman, nadadagdagan ng “Baka ma-claim ang insurance” as in “Dahan-dahan ka sa pagtawid sa kalsada, baka ma-claim ang insurance.”

Uso ang slang sa office, mga salitang kami-kami lang ang nag-imbento at nagbigay ng context/meaning at kami-kami lang rin ang nakakaintindi, like:

Atitood
Yung officemate na ma-attitude kahit hindi naman bagay/nararapat. GUESS WHAT: Hindi magandang pag-uugali ang pagiging mayabang, masyadong bilib sa sarili, o nagbubuhat ng sariling bangko. The moment magpamalas ka ng asim, maeekis ka. Huwag kang ganun. Huwag kang atitood. Dapat good vibes lang lagi.

Quota Problems
Sa lahat ng problema sa office, ito ang pinakapaborito ko. Ito yung problemang nae-experience lang ng mga taong nameet na ang annual goal. Whatever number it is, whatever metrics, whatever performance indicator. The moment maachieve mo ito, saka maglalabasan ang Quota problems mo like:

Love life
Sex life (lack of)
Existential crisis
Pimples
Taxes

And many more dahil may panahon ka.

Kapag kasi hindi ka pa naka-quota, wala kang enerhiya sa mga bagay na hindi naman makakatulong sa pag-achieve mo ng goals mo. Wala ka ngang pakialam kung dugyot na ang itusra mo dahil sa third world commute, makarating lang sa office. Halos mapabayaan mo na ang iyong personal hygiene. Para kang hindi papahuli ng buhay. Gusto mo lahat ng kapangyarihan mo, focused sa quota. What is sex life? What is diet? What is health?

Eh isang araw bigla kang naka-100% quota. Fuuuck this shiiiiiitttt ngayon biglang I have huge pores. My hairline looks weird. I have really bad breath in the morning. Yan ang quota problems.

One specific quota problem is body weight. Lalo na kapag panahon ng Annual Physical Exam tapos nilalagay talaga sa results ang mga insensitve words tulad ng OBESE. Minsan kailangan na talaga itong i-address, which brings me to...

Two Weeks
Ito ang promise ng pagpayat na binibitiwan ni Tito Donpi kapag nagagawi ang usapan sa kanyang weight management concerns. Usually may diin ang pagkakabigkas nya nito, mala-death threat.

Me: Don, boring no? Tara mag-diet tayo.
Tito Donpi: Baket?
Me: Feeling ko ang taba ko na eh. Ikaw ba?
Tito Donpi: Bastos ka. Two weeks. Give me two weeks.

Sarado ang Tindahan
This is the phenomenon kapag may mga factors na nakakaapekto sa iyong productivity at napagdesisyunan mong pumasok para lang magpakita ng pisikal na anyo, pero wala ka naman talaga sa katawang-tao mo, dahil ang isipan at damdamin mo ay naiwan sa kawalan. Syempre hindi ito kaaya-aya sa kumpanyang nagpapasahod sa iyo, pero minsan, kailangan natin intindihin at bigyan ang konting pag-unawa ang mga empleyado. May pinagdadaanan ka bang problema? Sarado ang tindahan mo ngayon? Sige pero mamaya hataw ka na uli ha? Again, TRUST. Tiwala lang, alam mo namang maayos na employee talaga sya.

Pero what if isang taon nang sarado ang tindahan nya? Baka naman kasi...

Subsob sa Trabaho
Baka naman subsob sa trabaho si officemate? Siya yung literal na nakasubsob sa desk kasi kinukumpleto nya ang prescribed number na 8 hours of sleep for good health.

Pinakapaborito kong kwento ng boss namin yung isang employee noon (na wala na ngayon), ayon kay boss: “Aba, si bakla, tulog, ang naiwan pang naka-open sa laptop nya, Facebook. Facebook?!?! Facebook na lang nakatulugan mo pa?” Ayun na-Timbog® si Ate. Which brings me to...

Timbog®
Eto yung moments na mag ginawa kang alam mong hindi mo dapat gawin tapos may nakahuli sayo. Ayokong magbigay ng examples baka bumalik sakin LOL. Hindi maiiwasang may mga pasaway sa office. Minsan ako rin pasaway. Sapagkat tayo ay tao lamang at nagkakamali. Ang mahalaga ay ang pagbangon sa pagkakamali upang hindi na ma-Timbog® pang muli. Kaya para hindi mangyari ito, dapat:

Huwag Malikot, Baka Makabasag ng Plorera
Eto, galing sa boss namin. It’s her creative way of saying, Wala ako sa office bukas, so magbehave kayo. Hindi nya na ididikdik sa amin na huwag kaming magsarado ng tindahan. Kapag sinabi nya yan, alam na namin. Ayaw naming makabasag ng plorera. Ako quiet lang. At bukas lagi ang tindahan ko. Katabi ko ang TL ko eh LOL.

May Pinapatunayan
Kapag payday, alam naman nating lahat na sabay-sabay kaming sumweldo, so hindi statement ang magsplurge. Hindi ito nakaka-upper echelon. Ang tunay na sukatan ng yaman, yung week before payday. Doon ka mag-buffet. Doon ka magpa-birthday. “May pinapatunayan” is what it’s called.

Masama pakiramdam mo? Sorry, pumasok ka pa rin, kung ayaw mong machismis na wala ka lang pamasahe kaya ka umabsent. Yung isang officemate ko nga, kapag pecha de peligro more more Instagram post ng kung saan-saan sya kumain dahil ayaw nyang mapagbintangang nag-third world meals siya like WHAT LEVEL OF EXTRA PETTINESS IS THIS. Yung isa naman, ia-announce nya, “Glenn, pasama naman magwiwithdraw ako sa ATM” in a loud voice para alam ng lahat na may wiwithdrawhin pa sya. It’s not the amount, it’s about sending a message. Patunayan mong hindi ka pa gipit because of the choices you made.

This is the same officemate na dahil may pinapatunayan siya, which is Noong gumuhit ng poverty line ay nakaabot siya sa ABOVE, hinding hindi sya magda-diet kapag pecha de peligro dahil ayaw ma-accuse na nagtitipid (one time tinawag ko siyang “breadwinner”, na-offend sya, WHATTHEFUCKRIGHT?).

Tito Donpi made a mistake nung minsang nagbaon sya ng nilagang okra. For health reasons daw ito pero najudge sya ng hurtful stuff such as “Yes, PDP (pecha de peligro)?” or “Saang kapitbahay mo pinitas yan?” and “Di ka nagsasabi, sige pautangin na kita, Jollibee tayo?” which is why hindi nya na ito inulit pa kahit paborito sana nya ang okra. Because judgmental eyes are everywhere. Kung okra levels ang binaon mo, mapagbibintangan kang #hapit #gipit #kapitsapatalim

Same rule applies sa bayaran ng utang. You’re not impressing anybody sa pagbayad ng inorder mong ham sa araw ng payday. A true show of power is magbayad 2 days before sweldo. Gawain ito ni Tito Donpi and he makes sure na ALAM NG LAHAT NA NAGBABAYAD SYA by announcing it through immortal lines like “HERE’S MY FULL PAYMENT, PAKIBILANG BAKA SOBRA” or “KEEP THE CHANGE” kahit wala syang sukli and my personal favorite “BAYARAN KO NA, BAKA ICHISMIS MO PA AKO.” Classic.

Klaruhin ko lang, hindi kasalanan ang sumawsaw below poverty line, ang kasalanan ay yung spending money like a boss sa luho at bisyo tapos masasadlak ka na sa 39ers situations and worse, uutang na sa fellow member ng PDP. Ang tunay na lower echelon ay yung hindi marunong alagaan ang sarili.

Kamay sa Dibdib
Finally uwian na. Eto yung nakaabang kami sa pagpatak ng ika-59 segundo ng ika-59 minuto ng pag-logout. The tension is real at the moment na mag-00 ang biometrics clock ay mistulang may stampede.

Test of ❝Friendship❞
Hindi maiiwan magkaroon ng mga pagsubok na maaring makapagparupok o makapagpatibay ng pagkakaibigan. Si Tito Donpi madalas ang sumusubok nito. Nanggigigil ako minsan sa galit. Mabait sya pero minsan handang-handa syang mag-unfriend. May atitood din eh. Ang hindi ko makalimutang ay nung nawala yung isang singsing nya. Maraming bling-bling si Tito Donpi, pito ata ang singsing nya at sabay-sabay nya suotin so minsan hindi na nya ma-keep track kung nasaang daliri sila. Aba nung may isang nawala, ako ang suspect?

Actually mapapatawad ko pa yan eh. Ang talagang muntikang sumira sa pagkakaibigan namin eh nung nawala yung Mercury Drugstore Card nya at isa ako sa mga pinagbintangan. Tangina diba.

❝Friendship❞ goes a long way, lalo na sa office. Who else will you trust kung hindi ang mga kasama mo araw-araw? How will you perform your job kung papasok ka pa lang eh nabibwisit ka na in anticipation of your Pakshet™ officemates na sisira sa araw mo? Sabi nila Love your job, which also means love your workmates. Coz if you don’t, maluwag ang pinto, you can go. Walang pipigil sa iyo, sasabihan ka lang ng “Ingat, baka maclaim ang insurance!”

Next June, I’ll be celebrating my 10th anniversary sa company. #BestPlaceToWork

My favorite weekly pastime, next to sitting at Gongcha while quietly judging people, is checking my blog's stats, especially ang Keywords Analysis, wherein (naks magamit lang) ang mga taong nagsearch sa Google, let's say for example "most inspiring and heartwarming wholesome blog" at sa blog ko naligaw, makikita ko ang keywords na "most inspiring and heartwarming wholesome blog" sa stats. Ang saya di ba? Salamat Statcounter.

Of course there's always a way to turn this productive, useful feature into raging throbbing umaatikabong full-blown kalaswaan. Yung mga boys na nagsesearch ng "lola stories" or yung all-time mabenta sa girls (and boys), "paano magfinger". Eh di nakita ko rin yung mga kahalayang inaatupag nila sa maghapon. Ipinagkanulo sila ni Google sa akin. Mga salaula sila guys.

Truth be told, sa Keyword Analysis ko nasaksihan ang mga pinakamalalagim na Google searches. I've seen some dark, dark shit. I'm not going to judge people (no to kink-shaming ako pa ba?) pero please, please, tantanan nyo ang mga lola nyo. The words "lola" and "kinantot"SHOULD NOT be in the same sentence Lord patawarin Mo po sila. Kaya naging tungkulin ko sa lipunan ang timbugin ang mga ito, so over the years naishare ko rin dito sa blog ang mga kasuklam-suklam nilang search words. Kaya nagkaroon ng Dear Glentot.

Ngunit pagkalogin ko recently sa Statcounter para magcheck ng latest kasalaulaan, eto ang bumungad sa akin, which is not a good situation:

Keywords Unavailable

SO.
FUCKING.
SAD.

FUCK ME RIGHT? Why take away something I love? Why??? Na-devastate ako I almost choked on my Gongcha.

Mabuti na lang, over the years naipon ko ang mga Statcounter screenshots ko bago ito mawala. And so now, to end this beautiful tradition I present ang huling batch ng malalaswang keywords. Today, we'll do confessions.

You ready?

Close your eyes.

Hingang malalim.

Game:

Finally. Mabuti naman. It's about time. Lahat kami meron na, ikaw na lang ang wala. Time to celebrate. So happy for you. Keep it up.

Wait. So now na may pubes ka na, anong balak mo? Asking for a friend.

Tsk tsk. Nagiging mapusok na ang mga kabataan at pinapasok na nila ang mundo ng pagsusugal. Siguro ito ay nagsimula sa paunti-unting taya ngunit nang maubos na ang pera, virginity na ang isinugal.

Grabe lang ang mga 16yo ngayon, sex na ang inaatupag. Samantalang ako when I was 16 busy lang ako sa studies, you know, academics, enriching my skills, loljk puro kalaswaan rin inatupag ko nun.

Holy shet paano yan baka naubos na? Paulit-ulit talaga? Ginawa ka nilang buffet. I feel so sorry for you :(

Pero Ate advice lang, hindi ito magandang gawain. Hindi ka eat-all-you-can, hindi ka for-sharing, at lalong hindi ka dapat ginawang pulutan sa inuman. Takot ka bang mapanis yan kaya ipinakain mo na agad? Magtira ka ng konti. Just sayin'. Think about it.

Alam nyo kayo, puro mga sakit ng katawan ang inaatupag ninyo. Hindi rin ito gawaing kapaki-pakinabang. Hindi ito magandang paraan upang mag-exfoliate ang inyong skin. Bakit nyo ito ginagawa ng Ate mo? Wala ba kayong pasok? Nagpupuyat kayo sa mga ganyang aktibidad. Mamaya naimpeksyon pa kayo niyan.

Wait. Bakit yung "pekpek" mo may space? "pek *space* pek"? Or baka yan talaga ang tamang spelling? Hindi naman ito itinuro noon sa Filipino subjects.

Aww, may lagnat siya. Bilang bayaw niya, dapat mo siyang pangalagaan at kabilang na dito ay painumin siya ng Bioflu.

Pero bakit ba siya nilagnat bigla? Baka naman nagtampisaw kayo huh.

What the... this is just... FUCK! Qaqo!

Ikaw Sir, imbes na maging gabay ng mga mag-aaral, tangina binibiyak mo sila. Hindi ito magandang gawain. Hindi ito nakasaad sa kurikulum. Hindi ito aprubado ng DepEd.

Baka panahon na upang ikaw ay gumamit ng fungal cream. Nagiging madalas na ba ang pagkati nito? Natanong ko lang kasi baka isa itong malubhang karamdaman. Basta tandaan mo, ang sagot ay nasa maagang gamutan. Huwag mo itong ipabiyak kay Sir or kaya ay ikiskis kay Ate baka mahawa siya.

Listen. I have no problem with your fetish. But you know what I don't like? Theft.

Nakakadisappoint ka, sama ng ugali mo sa Tita mo. Bastos kang pamangkin. Ang pinaghirapan nya sa kanyang hard-earned money ay nanakawin mo lang. Kaya pala pumasok siya sa work na walang panty. Palda pa naman ang uniform tapos tatawid pa siya sa footbridge sa Shaw. Mae-expose yung pek *space* pek niya sa polusyon. Paano kung kumati yon, sasagutin mo ba ang pambili ng fungal cream? At paano kung kabagin sya? Kasalanan mo ito. Ibalik mo nga yang panty nya sa sampayan.

Oh Lord these people need Jesus in their lives.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Over the years, themes of duality have been explored and exploited in film and TV. ABS-CBN’s early 2018 offering, Sana Dalawa Ang Puso, is its latest endeavor to go down this familiar path. Not to be instantly judged as a misstep though, because every generation seems to give birth to an iconic duo - bitter rivalries between polar opposites, tragedy-stricken twins separated at birth, archetypes of good and evil caught in everlasting battles – they sometimes end up becoming the pairs that define a generation. Duality is a rich motif. Rivalries are entertaining when done right, and sometimes even when not. Twin-centered series never go out of fashion - admittedly it is fun to watch especially when twin characters are being played by the same actor/actress, adding a layer of cinematic wonder to the scene.

Sana Dalawa Ang Puso is a promising rom-com which may or may not adhere to a tried and tested formula, but what's clear is that it clings to a recurring theme: the number 2. From its title, to its official hashtag (#nalilitwo), to Jodi Sta Maria playing two different characters. Two faces, two pairs intersecting at some midpoint, two romances to follow – this is duality at the most obvious level, but the theme runs a lot deeper and in more subtle ways.

For a better understanding, let’s have a quick recap of the events so far.

The Switch

Lisa Laureano (Jodi Sta Maria), the only daughter of a cosmetics mogul, is about to take the helm of the family business. As the company faces its downfall, her father comes up with an unexpected maneuver: merge with their biggest competitor. In exchange for the merger that will save their faces, Lisa finds herself a helpless pawn as she is forced to marry the scion of the competition, who is also her bitter ex, Martin Co.

Martin Co (Richard Yap) is one of Manila’s most eligible: young, wealthy, and wildly successful. The merger and forced wedding align with everything he wanted in life, as he has long been smitten with Lisa. The short relationship they had in their youth ended in a falling out and he is yet to earn Lisa’s forgiveness, a feat he can’t seem to accomplish because Lisa’s attention is somewhere else. Unknown to Martin and Lisa's father, she is actively running shady schemes to outwit them in their game of control.

Leo Tabayoyong (Robin Padilla) enters the picture, an undercover window cleaning serviceman assigned to the Laureano building. A series of encounters bring him and Lisa close, and he shows Lisa a world so much different from her own. His simple life of freedom is a distraction which highlights Lisa’s helplessness in her impending wedding and marriage to Martin.

Mona Bulalayao (also Jodi Sta Maria) is a barrio cockfighting kristo. As she flees her past, she runs into Lisa, and with this encounter comes the biggest shock of their lives: they look exactly alike. Immediately Lisa sees an opportunity: she can escape from her father to arrange her own merger. If she succeeds, her company will be saved, and she will not have to marry Martin. The only way she can do this is with Mona's help. After a rushed makeover, Mona takes Lisa's place in the company, in her family, and in Martin’s doomed union.

Martin, Leo and Mona - all their paths converge with Lisa as she plays the biggest con of her life in her bid for freedom and happiness, but at what cost?

The show taps into the morning demographic, the same crowd ABS-CBN won over with Be Careful With My Heart. I didn't like BCWMH (mainly because Maya is overly sweet, beyond what is humanly possible) but I am hooked with S2P. My mother serves a daily episode recap along with our breakfast. Our favorite is Mona, she is just a riot. Put her in a scene with Sharamdara the rooster and we're all set.

How does S2P stand out from its overplayed genre? Does it freshen up our idea of duality, or will it be just another forgettable kambalserye?

First of all, we aren’t even sure if Mona and Lisa are in fact twins.

Mona has unclear birth origins and her parents keep it a secret, with a ruby encrusted necklace being the only clue to her identity. There's a chance she is related to Lisa, whose mother died a long time ago. But at the same time, S2P opened with the premise that every person has at least seven lookalikes in the world. It might just be a big coincidence, a cosmic joke played on Mona and Lisa. Does this mean ABS-CBN is veering away from the “separated-at-birth” structure? They might be twins, or may be just lookalikes. It’s too early to say, and honestly, this uncertainty is part of the charm.

To understand that charm deeper requires a closer look into each of the characters. Mona and Lisa symbolize the full spectrum of being a female. Leo and Martin represent the traditional and modern ideas of masculinity. As we navigate their ins and outs, a puzzle reveals itself, and all pieces will begin to take shape and fall into place.

The Players

Lisa is not your typical damsel in distress: her castle is the Laureano Group of Companies; her father is the wicked captor; but her knight in shining armor is not necessary, because Lisa is not going to wait for a savior. She will take matters into her own hands with her vicious “Boss-Ma’am” business persona.

Mona is the quintessential Filipino heroine, starting from the bottom and struggling through her journey. While Lisa represents the end goal – beautiful, ultra-feminine, powerful – Mona is the exact opposite: simple, oppressed, lacking in graces. Their only common denominator is that they are both strong females with indomitable fighting spirit. Mona will transform and emulate Lisa to encapsulate the Filipina ideal: strong, beautiful and happy. Lisa has had a taste of the simple life with Leo, and this just might be the escape she is longing for.

Leo is the ultimate Pinoy machoman man, complete with swagger and savior complex. He takes responsibilities left and right. His unbreakable sense of integrity takes him places, both good and bad. But att the core of his rugged exterior, he is just the utmost gentleman.

Martin is a big man-child lost in a world of adults, babied by his parents, caring yaya and loyal bodyguard. He is just going through the motions to fulfill his functions and obligations. He wants to be taken seriously, to triumph at something. Lisa is his hardest defeat yet. With no one else to turn to, he befriends the woman he hired to care for his prized rooster. That woman is Mona, and though they only talk via text, Mona inevitably falls for him.

Compare and Contrast

S2P plays on duality in two ways: parallels and opposites.

Leo and Mona are outsiders to Lisa and Martin’s world. Their lives mirror each other in two ways: familial love and constant peril. Their only access to Lisa and Martin is though their manual labor jobs. Both were born to disadvantage, clawing their way to get to the top through honest work. When they finally meet, will they appreciate this quality in each other?

Lisa and Martin are equals. Both born into money, both well-educated and successful in their own right, both a prime catch in a society where charity fundraiser galas are a weekend thing. Do their similar backgrounds automatically warrant a match? Or will it result to one of those failed marriages we every so often read about?

Lisa represents the upper echelon of society with her immaculate image while Mona, well, she hypes up fighting cocks, plays the mascot in costume parties, and plucks underarm hairs in her spare time. Will Lisa’s journey be in the complete opposite direction as Mona’s, spiraling down to the levels of poverty and simplicity she is not used to? Maybe we are yet to see Lisa riding a jeep or eating kwek-kwek, but as of last week, we have already seen Mona, disguised as Lisa, making her grand entrance in a black evening gown and everyone stops for a gaze.

Leo and Martin's professions convey their biggest difference in terms of our ideas of masculinity. Leo does manual labor work as a guise, but in truth he is part of a covert military operation. Martin studies how to market cosmetics. Leo courts danger with his undercover job, while Martin is preoccupied with his wedding. Leo puts his life on the line every day, relying only on his fighting skills. Martin mulls over his lovelife and texts Mona, “Ganun ba talaga ang nagmamahal, nasasaktan?”

Lisa and Martin, as part of the ruling elite, only interact with “the help” as far as they are concerned. It’s only when they get a taste of the real world beneath their pedestals that they will truly live. Mona and Leo are broadening their horizons, reaching places they were never a part of before. And these crossovers are what the fans are waiting for.

In exploring each character and their plight, it’s easy enough to draw where they’re coming from, basing on their opposite and parallel personas. The real fun starts when you try to guess where they are going next.

The Performances

Watching Jodi is a masterclass in acting. Her Lisa is the epitome of class and elegance, while her Mona simply steals every scene she is in. With Robin, you get what you sign up for, and his brand of machismo completes this puzzle. Richard, if anything, showed more versatility. He is yet to shed off his Daddy image (my mother still refers to him as Sir Chief) by playing Martin's character, who is supposedly much younger than the BCWMH character he came to be most known for, but he is doing that successfully. Torn between love and embarrassment, Richard's Martin deals with Lisa with desperation and constant heartbreak. You just can't help but feel sad for him, because of all four, he is the most miserable.

The series plays out like, surprisingly, like a fast-paced movie. It's far-removed from the saccharine sweetness of BCWMH and from Jodi's slapfest with her Amor Powers stint. With ABS-CBN's current serye lineup, it's the only one you can call feel-good. It's the kind of serye that doesn't dish out all its tricks at once. It gives some and then saves some. Three months into its run and we haven't even heard the theme song yet (meanwhile, the afternoon triplet-serye plays its "Ako'y ako na di dapat mawalan ng pag-asa" theme like a broken record).

S2P's strength is how it delivers the laughs so effortlessly, so naturally. It feels so light, but at the same time, well put together. We all know the show did not write itself. And we all know, easy-watching is hard-writing. This tight little package of a story, neat and tidy with no loose ends, is the product of thinking minds. This is not something you come up with over a weekend.

At the center of it all is pure comedy gold. Jodi does physical comedy well. She is the lifeblood of this whole gig. As one grandma of an officemate put it, this is the only time she liked Jodi. This is the truest testament of good writing and good acting: to change a lola's opinion of an actress.

What I appreciate most about S2P, apart from its carefully crafted meet-cutes, is how it breaks stereotypes for both men and women. Martin runs a makeup company. Leo lives in an all-girl household. Lisa takes action to grab her chances at freedom. And Mona, in cockfighting? You can't get any more badass than that.

What's next?

Fast-paced as it is, at this point the story is yet to complete its initial course. The characters have barely met and so far, only Lisa has met all three. Alliances are still being made and rivalries are just about to manifest. The dice have been cast but we're only seeing a few faces. As more combinations are thrown, we can look forward to more changing dynamics: will Mona meet Leo and eventually relate more to him? Will Lisa have a change of heart and let Martin win her over? Each pairing is as valid and promising as the other.

But the most important question lies in the title. It implies how a person deals with oneself when faced with making an important choice between two (again, the magic number) loves. A love triangle is forming, but who are the players? So far we have Mona with Martin, and Lisa with Leo, so what’s the problem?

In popular folklore, a doppelganger, a replica of a living person, is considered a bad omen. Meeting your own means impending death. Does this lend an answer to the question? Will things take this serious turn?

Sino ang maghahangad magkaroon ng dalawang puso? Sino ang #nalilitwo?

Now watching Tatlong Taong Walang Juice
— Glentot (@theglentot) June 3, 2018

Okay so recently may napanood ako sa Netflix, isang brutal na pelikulang pinamagatang Revenge. Tungkol ito sa babaeng ginahasa and tinangkang patayin, ngunit hindi sya mamatay-matay at naghiganti sya nang wagas. Sobrang daming harsh scenes that made me squirm (arte lang) like may natusok ng kahoy sa tiyan, may nakatapak ng bubog, may lumabas na bituka ganyan ETC so after mapanood ito naghanap ako ng feel good romantic comedy chick flick ganyan.

Sakto naman ito ang palabas sa TV. So nanood ako. Wala akong idea eh. Tatlong taong walang diyos? Hmmm incheesting... Sounds fun? I don't know. Naka-pigtails si Nora Aunor. Exciting.

PUTA WALA PANG 30 MINUTES NIRERAPE NA SI NORA AUNOR.

So ang mga kaganapang ito ay noong 1940s noong sepia colored pa ang mundo. Ang indication na lumang pelikula talaga ito: may buhok pa si Bembol Roco. Ang karakter nya ay si Crispin na isang gerilya(?) at aalis siya para lumaban sa gyera so nagpapaalam na sya sa kanyang kasintahang nakapigtails, si Rosario.

The next day habang nakadungaw si Rosario sa bintana dumaan yung friend nyang extra tapos sabi ni Friend "Huy Rosario umalis ka na diyan, balita ko ginagahasa ng mga Hapon ang mga kababaihan, lalo na ang magaganda!"

"So wala kang dapat ikatakot!" sabi ni Rosario, throwing some serious shade. Joke lang. Pero sabi nya "Hindi yan!" at hindi sya nagpatinag sa pagdungaw nya sa bintana during wartime.

Kinagabihan dumating si Christopher de Leon. Ang karakter nya ay half-Japanese na ang pangalan ay Masoogie (spelling?) kasama ang bestfriend (wink*wink) nyang si Dr Francis na kasama nya hanggang sa pag-ihi. Kumatok sila sa bahay ni Rosario at naghanap ng inumin. Inalok naman ng Tatay ni Rosario ang kanilang lambanog. Maya-maya nalasing na si Masoogie.

"Ubusin nyo na yan at umalis na kayo!" sabi ni Rosario. Hala si Masoogie lasing na lasing. Unang kita pa lang nya sa pigtails ni Rosario tinamaan kaagad sya. Gandang ganda. Takam na takam.

Hinabol nya, dinakma, dinala sa bodega at ginahasa si Rosario.

Tapos matapos nyang gahasain saka nagtanong si Masoogie "Anong pangalan mo?" what an asshole.

By the way, here are some screenshots. LITERAL na screenshots, pinipicturan ko ang TV. I hope I don't get in trouble for this LOLX SOWEE.

Syempre nagpupuyos sa galit si Rosario. VIRGIN KAYA SYA! ALAM MO BA KUNG GAANO KAHIRAP IMAINTAIN YUN??? Tapos ganun ganun lang. Nirereserve nya kaya to kay Crispin. Kaya tuwing babalik si Massogie sa bahay nila para mag-sorry (as in "SORRY LASING AKO NUN TSAKA ANG GANDA GANDA MO EH" like a proper rapist) eh binabato ni Rosario lahat ng object na maabot nya. Kulang na lang pati yung Nanay nyang konsintidora naibato nya na rin.

Masoogie: "Patawarin mo ako!"
Rosario: "Putangina mowaahhh!" -- Syempre lip reading lang, ni-mute ng ABS CBN yung words, but for clarity, ako na lang ang nag-assume ng mga sinabi nya from here on to properly tell this story.

Dumating si Masoogie may dalang bigas.
Rosario: "Kiking-ina moooohh gaguuuuuu" -- *sabay hagis ng bigas*

Yung Nanay ni Rosario, puta pinulot yung mga butil ng bigas. Taggutom kasi that time.

Eto pala si Mosoogie pag naka-uniform parang senior high school lang tapos parang tatay nya si Bembol.

Naglalaba si Rosario sa ilog tapos dumating si Masoogie.
Rosario: Hoooyyyy fuuuckkk youuuuu ka *sabay hagis ng labada eh di madumi na ulit?*

Masoogie: *niyakap si Rosario*
Rosario: "Bitiwan mowaahh akowaaahh! Nasasaktan akowwahhh!"
Masoogie: "Bakit ba???"
Rosario: "Buntis ako!"

Awww. Yun lang.

Yung Nanay ni Rosario nakakita ng opportunity: "Kalimutan mo na si Crispin patay na yun! Bakit ba galit na galit ka kay Masoogie! Eto nga ang dami nyang regalo sa atin."

Rosario: "Ayoko ng mga regalo nya."
Nanay: "Pero kinakain mo!" Hinard sya ng Nanay nya.

Kaaway ang mga Hapon. Pinapatay nila ang mga Pilipino. So kung tatanggapin ni Rosario si Masoogie, magagalit ang buong barangay.

Taong-bayan: "HOOOY TRAYDOOOR KA ASAWA NG HAPONNNN"
Nanay: "Deadma na."

Mapilit si Masoogie ah. Lakas ng tama nya kay Rosario. Wala na yung hangover ng lambanog pero gustong gusto nya talaga si Rosario.

"Bakit ba mahal mo ako?" tanong ni Rosario.
"Hindi ko alam, basta ang alam ko mahal kita!"

WOOOW sweet imagine your rapist telling you that.

Niyakap ni Masoogie si Rosario.
"Bitiwan mo aqquuuhhh!"

Masoogie walks away tapos bago lumabas sa pinto sabi nya "Mahal kita..." sabay alis.
*crickets*
*crickets*
after 3 minutes
"SINUNGALING!!! SINUNGALING KA!" Ang tagal nagsink in kay Rosario.

So nanganak si Rosario and one time gusto nya na itapon sa bangin yung baby pero nagbago ang isip nya tapos nagsimula na syang maniwala na mahal talaga siya ni Masoogie.

Tapos medyo na-enjoy nya pa yung perks of having a Japanese husband kasi nung pinatay ng mga Hapon lahat ng matatandang kalalakihan sa baryo nila except yung tatay ni Rosario kasi nga kakampi sila so that's nice I guess.

Hala one day guess who walked in.

Crispin. Buhay pa sya. Ang iniwan nyang girlfriend, ngayon ay asawa na ng Hapon at may anak na. Ang lungkot lungkot nya.

PASOK MOIRA! *Malaya ka na...*

"Mahal mo ba xa?"

Pinigtas ni Crispin ang rosary. Eh diba Rosario ang name nya! HALA FORESHADOWING?

Kinasal sina Masoogie at Rosario. Nag-honeymoon sila. Tapos one day just for fun pinatay ng mga taong bayan ang mga magulang ni Rosario kasi nga traydor daw sila. Nanaig ang poot sa puso ni Rosario kaya naman...

"Tatlong taong walang diyos mga ulul!"

Meanwhile may gyera pa rin.

Gyera time, gyera things etc.

So hinabol sila ng mga sundalo tapos...

Let's talk about Francis. Si Francis na bestfriend ni Masoogie. Sa pagtakas nila nabaril si Francis.

And then in the next scene nagtatago sa kubo si Rosario at nagluto sya ng nilagang buto-buto...

WTF INULAM NYO SI FRANCIS!

Hala natunton sila ng mga taong bayan. Hilarity ensues.

Pinatay ng mga taongbayan si Masoogie. Tumakas uli si Rosario at humingi ng tulong kay Father.

"Father natatakot po ako."
"Bakit hindi mo subukang magdasal?"
"Kasi diba nga tatlong taong walang diyos? Pero sige itry ko po yan."

So pumunta si Rosario sa simbahan para magdasal...

...kung saan sya kinuyog ng mga taongbayan.

"Pahamak ka Father!!!"

Ang dami nila tapos mag-isa lang si Rosario. By the way...

Anong sinabi ng mother!

Anong sinabi ni Malena...

Si Rosario ang nauna. #trendsetter

Binigyan ng taongbayan si Rosario ng nanay haircut. Mabuti naman gupit lang. Akala ko sya na isusunod ng mga mamamatay-tao nyang ka-barangay.

Then some thing incheesting happend. So may commercials right?

TAPOS BIGLANG...

WAIT WAIT HOLD UP WTF ANYARE?

Marumi at patay na si Rosario WHAT HAPPENED I feel like I missed something here.

To end, may tanong si Crispin kay Father.

"Bakit ganito Father? Tatlong taon. Walang Diyos."

"Hindi Crixpn ang Diyos ay hindi nawala masdan mo ang bulag masdan mo ang pilay araw-araw silang nandito at sila ay nagdarasal at masdan mo kayong tatlo nina Rosario at Masoogie dahil sa tatlong taon ang pagmamahal ninyo ay hindi nawala sa inyong puso at ito ang nagbibigay sa atin ng lakas upang tayo ay mabuhay..."

"Ah."

THE END.

Ang Tatlong Taong Walang Diyos ay isang chick flick in the-more-you-hate-the-more-you-love kind of way, na sinahugan ng gyera, rape, at patayan. At cannibalism.

Seriously though this is a true Filipino cinematic classic SABEEE BIGLANG BUMAWI.

"UTUSAN WTF Hindi nyo man lang ako nabigyan ng pangalan?!?!" -- Estrella

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tatlong taong walang diyos